Monday, June 15, 2015

Letting Go

Woke up from a dream and felt compelled to share it or, I should say: it and my takeaway from it.  I was attending some sort of conference about money management and it had various vignettes, featuring ways that you can make money and ways that appear you can make money.  I, with all kinds of crazy irony, was in one that had to do with home based businesses.  It was supposed to be one that illustrated how you could make money but I knew it for the deception that it was.  However, I was supposed to be going along with its intended message.  It was quite a draining experience, to go along with that kind of lie.  When the vignette time was over, I confronted the woman who was hosting it.  She was heavily into this particular home based business—it was either mary kay or a jewelry one, both types of products were there.  I was all spun up to say something.  And I couldn’t.  At least not the extent that I wanted to so I walked away, comfortable in the knowledge that I was no longer involved in any such deception.  That wasn’t where the message lay, for this dream, though.  It came after.

The setting of the vignette was in some sort of enclosed car port.  I left that, headed out to the lawn that surrounded it where, crazy as it sounds, my fella waited for me.  But there were two fellas there.  They had been the whole time.  One was a man that I’ve known for more than a decade now.  He’s loved me for many, many years.  I fell in love with *him* just a few years ago.  He never showed his love though.  Not to the extent that I wanted him to.  And I couldn’t show him.  I couldn’t just show up on his doorstep and he was choosing to not do that.  See, he was married.  Still is.  So you can see how it would have been quite awkward for me to just show up at his home.  And he never fulfilled the storybook romantic gesture by swooping me off my feet with the declaration that he’d left his wife to be with me.  We were never together, physically, but there were some very deep, shared conversations that had me tearing down some personal walls.  Unfortunately, because of the lack of gesture on his part, I had to sever contact with him, in order to preserve my heart and sanity.  As a result, those walls went up quicker than I’ve ever seen before.  I never let my guard down now.  I don’t trust that I—just me—will be enough reason for a man to see a reason to love me.  But, I digress.

In my dream, when I left the vignette, I headed to meet my fella…one of them anyway.  I saw the first man--I called him Black Behr in this post—but realized that it was never to be.  I turned away.  I searched for the other man.  He saw me looking for him and came jogging over.  He hugged me.  He kissed me.  Then he expressed some trepidation that I would choose the first man.  My response: “He had his chance.  It’s gone.  I’m moving on.”  I wrapped my arms around him, cradled the back of his head in my hand, and kissed him.

And I realized: My head is letting Black Behr go.  I will always have a place for him in my heart.  A small part of me wishes that he would drop his encumbrances and tell me that he’s mine but I have to be realistic: he’s too entrenched in the life that he has built; it’s not going to happen.

I love you Black Behr but I release you.

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