Having My New Roommate is Good for Me

I am confrontational.  I posture.  I can be combative.  None are things that I like about myself and all are things that I’m going to be working on lessening as character traits.  To be able to *do* those things is not a bad characteristic but when they’ve become a large part of my personality, that’s not good. 

I had an inkling that they were there but it took the observation of my roommate to bring them to my attention.  Her description: “You stand up with the guys.  You interact with all guys the way that you do the guys at your work.”  And she’s right.  I developed a machismo, of sorts.  Just as boys and men will inherently engage in a “who’s the got the biggest…” challenge, so do I.  And I, in all my righteousness, would win.  Cause I’m the biggest and the baddest.  The toughest.  I show no vulnerability but I sure as hell show weakness by displaying such a high level of “tough as nails” when I don’t need to.

I’m going to blame the development of it on the male dominated career that I’ve been a part of for nearly two decades.  I can’t let it continue though.  Thankfully, there’s only 11 months of that career left.  I can, then, truly let go of a good portion of the armor that I applied, link by link, during my time working with too much testosterone.  I didn’t choose this career, not really.  It’s hard to make an educated decision, at 20, about what field to choose when the job description is so glowing.  All I know: If you don’t like to get a mechanical kind of dirty do NOT choose a 2A career field in the Air Force.

So…back to the character traits…You know how Alpha males tend to put each other down as a show of force?  Yep, I do that.  You know how Alpha males tend to try to make the not-Alpha males feel or look stupid?  Yep, I do that.  I don’t call them stupid but I sure as hell ask a lot of loaded questions.  That can’t be a good way to teach someone; to train them to be better at their jobs.  I *know* there’s a better way and I’m going to work on finding and using it.

Thank you, roomie, for holding up that “mirror”.  I appreciate it more than you know.