Wednesdays at Forty-Something: Moving, Part III

I was gonna continue on with this series, detailing all the things that happened while I was in Iowa but I've discovered that I just don't have the energy for it.

The long and the short of it is that my former best friend's husband is an alcoholic and when I expressed concern, I was accused of judging them in their home.  I can't deny that.  There's too much of a parallel between how much and often her husband drinks with that of my mom.  She died in 2018, after fighting poor health for the six years following her throat cancer diagnosis.  Which, in a sad twist, is something that the husband's father had.  Thankfully, he survived.  The husband's mother was also an alcoholic.  So, all the things that her husband's parents and my mom went through are very much possibilities for her husband.  It was my mistake to think that 27 years of friendship afforded me the privilege to say anything to that effect.

The other aspect of my judging them was witnessing the verbal abuse that my former friend subjected her husband to.  And, no, it has nothing to do with marriage.  It has to do with people.  You just don't scream at someone that they're "...a fucking idiot!" on the regular.  And you don't do it in front of the kids you share.

I said none of these things to anyone else.  I said them to her.  That was the judgement that I did.

Really, it's not that different from when I told another friend that it's probably not good for her to have so many different men over while she had a teenager in the house.

Hello!  I'm Nichole and, if we've been friends for 20+ years, I will feel like I can express concern about the bad habits I feel you're setting.  On the flip side, I welcome the feedback from you.  Even if I don't like it, I'll listen.

Wednesdays at Forty-Something: Moving, Part II

If you haven't read Part I, I've linked it here.

Part II is feeling like a research project.  Part I was more linear and took place in only one location: Delaware.  Part II has stuff going on in Delaware and Iowa and, really, a whole lot more going on.

Let's start by first painting the picture of what my situation was at the time this happened.  I hadn't lived in anyone else's place in more than 20 years.  I bought my first house in 1999 and sold it to buy the DE house.  I did live in an apartment during the first year while I was in DE but it was still mine.  I wasn't anyone's roommate or guest.  I had sold as much furniture as I could.  I did leave behind a few pieces but those were gotten rid of, somehow, by my realtor (at the time) and/or my neighbor.

The only furniture that I put in storage in Indianapolis was bedroom furniture and a Step Tantsu that I bought in Okinawa back in 2004.  So, a mattress set, a chesser, an armoire, a lingerie chest, my hope chest, the Step Tansu, a entryway table, 33 pieces of art, and, roughly, 30-40 boxes of stuff.  That's it.  It was quite the downsizing from what I started out with in that house, seen here in 2007 shortly after I moved in.  I mean, I even got rid of half my books and half my movies so that I didn't have to move them, knowing that I'd move things from storage to an apartment to a house in Indiana once I bought one.  All that I put in storage, fit into a 10' x 10' space.

On October 23, 2019, I set out for Iowa with my cats, my computer, and my clothes.  I had made a much, much earlier trip in 2018 to drop off a few boxes of things that I knew I wouldn't be needing for a year: photo albums and a good majority of my dresses. I made that trip mainly to drop of my Jeep because the middle child of my former best friend bought it from me.  It's crazy to think there was 14 months in between those two trips.  The time went so quickly.  Anyhow, this was my car last Fall, almost no empty space but still able to see out all the windows:

I stayed that night at a pet-friendly Hampton Inn in California, PA.  (Funny aside: I find it great humor in that PA has many towns and cities named after other states)  Got to Iowa on the 24th.  The driving and such was a good distraction from the fact that it was the one-year anniversary of the death of my mama.

To say it was an adjustment is an understatement.  I went from living in a house with only two cats, in which the only things that made noise were me, the cats, the TV, the computer, or the radio to living in a house of a family of four, two dogs, two cats, and a ferret.  The room I was staying in was in the fully finished, multi-room basement--seriously, all it needed was a kitchen for it to be its own living quarters--and it was right under the room where the family watched TV.  There was no insulation between the floor of that level and the dropped ceiling of the bedroom so every time someone walked across the floor or the dogs went tearing through that room, I heard it.  Every time the lever on the recliner released the footrest, I heard it.  It was a very loud pop that startled me on more than one occasion.

My cats were having a hard time, too.  neither of them are young any more: Buster is 15 and Shivers is 9.  Buster has always been pretty go-with-the-flow but Shivers is a little high-strung.  She started acting out in February 2019 when I put Mocha, my oldest kitty, down.  She got really picky about the litter box and if it wasn't totally clean, she'd poop outside of it.  Now, full disclosure, I was pretty lazy when it comes to litter boxes.  It was nothing to go four or five days before I scooped it out.  However, once she started pooping outside of it, I tried to make a concentrated effort to scoop it out more often.  Mind you, there were two large storage boxes that were used as litter boxes.  I still use them.  I had this kind originally but they were too short so I switched to these.

She would still occasionally poop outside the box but, when that happened, I cleaned it up and went about my business.  Needless to say, the carpet was looking pretty rough after eight months of this, especially since I didn't use any special cleaning spray.  I would just put toilet paper on the mess until I could scoop up the doodie, knowing that I would be replacing the carpet when it came time to sell the house.  In time, it just became something I would look out for: did Shivers poop outside the box?  It didn't happen every day.  Sometimes, it would be a week or so before it happened again.

Why am I talking about this?  Because it contributed to me having to leave Iowa.  But, I'm getting ahead...

Now, the former best friend was fully aware of the situation.  She and her daughters were in my house for five days in May of last year.  Shivers pooped outside the box on, at least, one occasion while they were there AND there were stains on the carpet from the two months of accidents prior to their visit.  But, when it came time for me to move, I'd become accustomed to the issue.  It didn't faze me when she had an accident.  I wasn't tracking frequency or anything so when the former BFF asked if she was doing better, I assured her that the cat was doing better.  Little did I realize what would happen when we moved into a house with four other people, two dogs, two other cats, and a ferret.

The accidents started happening the very next day, very early in the morning, and UNDER the bed.  After the second time--one in which I had to cut off part of the hanging box spring liner because it was ON the liner (you know, that part that covers the springs so that nothing gets in between the springs? yeah, ON that part)--I took the mattress set off the metal frame and put in directly on the carpet.  That way, if there was an accident, it would be MUCH easier to get to.

Let's segue away a bit from discussions of poop.  Let's talk about mattresses for a moment.  In February 2018, I replaced my mattress set with an awesome mattress set.  Not quite Cadillac Escalade level but definitely in the "super comfy to me, I never want to get out of bed" category.  That mattress set got put in storage.  The mattress set I was sleeping on...I don't know when it had last been replaced.  I don't think it was that old but I was feeling its affordability.  As a single person with no kids, I don't have to choose between a good mattress and getting braces on the kids.  I get the good mattress.  In this case, the kids got braces. 

So, I was sleeping on a mattress that wasn't mine, my cat was waking me up on, a daily basis, in the wee hours, and there were buffalo that tromped through the room upstairs on weekdays in the early morning.  Basically, sleep was NOT happening.  When I did sleep, it wasn't restful because I was half listening for the hershey squirts that came out of my cat's ass.

The hours of being awake were different kinds of challenges.  I had moved to a place that was seven miles from its nearest "town", population 1003.  It had one grocery store that was sparsely stocked, one gas station, and a few other small businesses.  The next largest town was 20 miles away.  Thankfully, it has a population that is large enough to warrant many businesses to include a YMCA.  I signed up for a membership, there, in mid-November but, again, I'm getting ahead of myself.

The week after getting to Iowa, I wanted to be sure I was doing my part to provide a bit for the folks in whose house I was a guest so I signed up for a Costco membership.  What better place to get a whole bunch of stuff than Costco, right?  In the first two weeks, I had to find a place to get the food that my cats ate and a place to get kitty litter that might help with the issues that Shivers was having.  That place and Costco were in Des Moines, 65 miles away.  So was the mall.  If I wanted to meander around a bunch of stores and people watch, I had to drive 65 miles.  It was in this mall that I had planned to transfer my part-time job from Delaware to Iowa but after making that drive a couple times, I realized it wasn't going to happen.

The autonomous city mouse was very much in the country and trying to adapt to new surroundings and situations.  It was very difficult.

What was also difficult was to see my former best friend in a different light.  In that past, I didn't pay a tremendous amount of attention to some of her behaviors or those of her family.  My visits were usually quite short and focused having fun while out and about doing things.  I had had a glimpse during my "drop off the Jeep" visit back in 2018 but, again, I didn't process it like I did while actually living with them.

During the 2018 visit, the whole gaggle of folks--friend, her husband, their three kids, the oldest's boyfriend, and I--made a trip to the Amana colonies.  We took two cars and left around, I think, 9 in the morning.  We arrived an hour or so later.  We walked around, had lunch, walked around some more, and by 2 o'clock, I was ready to go.  I was done.  So was the oldest daughter and her boyfriend.  The former friend was irritated that we wanted to leave but we left anyway.  I wish I had my own car but that had been bought by the middle child already.  We went back to the house and hung out/decompressed.  The friend, her husband, and her two other kids didn't get back until much later.  I don't remember what time.  I just remember that they stayed there and had dinner.  She was still irritated that we didn't stay with them and finish the day as a family.

That was the glimpse that I didn't process or dig into.

(This is pretty long and there's more to come so I'll publish this and move on to a Part III)

Wednesdays at Forty-Something: Moving, Part 1

Back in late spring/early summer 2019, I had to find a new lawn guy; and saw a few recommendations for one in a fb group that I'm part of, N, The Lawn Barber.  I called him and he came out to give me an estimate.  While we were talking, I mentioned that I'd be selling my house and he recommended his friend, T.  I had already met with one realtor but thought it would be good to meet with one or two more, so I said "sure" to meeting this guy.  He came out that day.  I decided to use his services.  By this time, the lawn guy had taken care of my lawn once and I wasn't happy with the result.  I texted him a few days later to let him go.

In late August, my realtor and the guy he works with for minor repairs, R, did a walkthrough of the house to discuss needed repairs.  I asked him to send me an invoice, detailing everything we discussed/identified.  A month later, my realtor asked if I had heard from the repair guy and I said no and that I also hadn't reached out.  Realtor said they were in communication and that I should get it soon.

In September, I received a whammy in my actual moving plans.  The woman who, just months prior, had confirmed that she could still help me move, backed out.  She didn’t actually tell me until I had texted her to find out which day she was able to fly out from the Midwest.  Her reason was that she had been willing when it would be her and her boyfriend but since they had broken up, she wouldn’t be able to do it on her own.  Mind you, they broke up in May or June, a few weeks after I confirmed with her and months before I sent the text.

Why was this such a whammy?  Because the original plan was for them to drive the Uhaul and me to drive my car, both full up with stuff.  We would drop off the stuff off at an Indianapolis storage place, turn in the Uhaul, and then all of us would head to Iowa, where they lived and I’d be staying for a few months until I sold my house in Delaware.  When she cancelled, I had to replan the entire trip.  The biggest issue I had with the initial cancellation was that she waited so long to tell me and, in the year since I had initially asked her, not once did she say “If the boyfriend can’t do it, I won’t be able to help.”  I wasn't expecting her to know they would break up but she should, at the very least, know that she wouldn’t be able to help by herself.

I did find someone a couple days later, who would be able to help; within the same time frame, using the same game plan.  A week later, they cancelled because an important issue came up that required them to go out of the country. 

When the first person cancelled on me, I asked them to send back the EZPASS that was in my old Jeep.  See, back in summer 2018, I sold my Jeep to her little sister and left the EZPASS in it because I had a feeling that they’d all be coming out for my college graduation in May 2019.  Leaving that for them saved them quite a bit of money on the toll roads between their place and mine.

I would need that EZPASS for the Uhaul.  Well, they had lost it.  Some time between May and August 2019, they lost property that wasn’t theirs.  This still gets me a little salty because when you pull the transponder from one vehicle and put it in another, a responsible person would, upon return, put it back in the original vehicle or put it some place that it wouldn’t get lost.  Having lived in that household for three months, I now know there is no safe place and the Jeep would have, ultimately, been the best place to put it.

So, come October 2019, I have nobody to help me move and no extra EZPASS so I decided to just do it all myself.  I would drive the Uhaul to Indy, fly back, and then drive my car out to Iowa.  It was also at this time that I asked if the house repair guy would be okay with getting paid upon selling because I didn't have the full (tentative) amount that he had mentioned during the walk through.  I still didn't have a written estimate.  The repair guy said he wasn't comfortable with that.  I wasn't surprised by this answer, but the question was worth asking.  Mid October comes and I still haven't received an invoice.  I got in contact with another repair guy that a friend recommended.  He completed the walk-through and invoice was emailed within 72 hours.  I communicated to the first guy that I wouldn't be using his services.  I mean, seriously, when you can't generate an invoice in two months, it's time to go.

During this time, I was also trying to figure out how I was going to get my stuff loaded on the Uhaul because none of my friends were available.  My realtor suggested going with N because he did moving services as a side gig.  This was the guy who didn't work out as a lawn guy.  Since lawn stuff and moving are apples and oranges I decided to go ahead contact him.

Come the day to load my stuff, N and two other guys were there.  N didn't move anything.  The two guys do.  During one part of hauling stuff out of my house, they had to move a big chesser.  Kind of a dresser.  Kind of a chest of drawers.  It's 2' x 6' x 5'.  At this point, N decided to assist.  I was outside while they figured out how to get it out of my upstairs room, around the corners, and down the stairs.  When they did make it outside, I saw that they had had to put it upside down to get it out.  Why?  I don't know.

They were going to put it on the truck that same way.  Uh, no.  Right side up, please.  I had removed all the drawers prior to them moving it so that it was much lighter.  I needed it right side up so that I could put the drawers back in.  They got it on the truck and while I was putting the drawers in, I noticed they had scratched the bottom edge of the dresser so bad that I got a splinter when I ran my hand over it.  I pulled N aside and get a bit angry about the damage.  He didn't apologize.  Instead, he threatened to pull the crew and leave me to do the rest myself.  I told him to continue with the loading. They finished up a couple hours later.  It took four hours or so, total.

These pictures are the front edge of the top of the dresser.

This is the front edge of the bottom of the dresser.  Where it looks like smudges is where they forced it so hard down the corner of a wall that it left paint on the dresser.  The corner of that wall?  It was flattened by 1/4" for a length of almost two feet.

I left the next morning for Indianapolis.  It took two days to get there.  It rained the whole time and was quite a miserable drive.  Luckily, once I got to Indy, it cleared up and unloading was easy peasy.  I had found a crew via moving.com and they helped me unload.  They were also nice enough to follow me to the Uhaul place and then take me to the rental car agency.  Once I got my rental car, I drove to the hotel and stayed there until I flew out three days later.  After those previous three weeks, I NEEDED to decompress.

I flew back to Delaware and commenced packing up the rest of my stuff--the stuff that I would need in Iowa while I was there, including my cats—and get rid of the furniture that I didn’t take to Indy.  I got all that done the second to last week of October and was in Iowa by the 24^th.  Driving in a small SUV is definitely much easier than driving a 15’ Uhaul.

I’ll leave my story of living in Iowa for the next post.