After that last post about homeownership, things got hectic and there were quite a few adjustments made in the past six months. The week after the post, I started the Fall term of my last year towards my Bachelors degree as well as the first class towards my MBA. I ended up taking only one Grad class because a second one would have put me at 21 credits. More than 18 credits means the college charges me a fee. I didn't feel like paying an extra $2000 so I didn't take the second Grad class.
However, because of how things were going to play out, I knew that I would need Student Loans for the Summer 2019 term. Unfortunately, the Financial Aid rep gave me inaccurate information which resulted in me applying for FA six months too soon. Having been a GI Bill student since 2017, I was not well informed about how FA works and trusted that the FA rep would lead me correct. I was wrong. As a result, I ended up with Student Loans last Fall. I pondered: Do I just put the money right back towards the SL when the VA pays my tuition or do I put the money towards something else? My tuition didn't get paid until nearly the end of Oct which gave me a month to figure out what I was going to do. I ended up putting my 5.05% SLs towards my 9.99% HVAC debt.
Two days after this, my mother passed away. I was very sad but really not surprised by this event. She'd been sick for years--diagnosed with throat cancer in 2012--and her living situation wasn't the best. What made this worse was that a friendship dissolved right before my eyes within days of this occurrence.
In December 2017, I had introduced (someone whom I'd thought was) a good friend to my mom while I was in Fresno. They hit it off and I asked her--Reanna, is her name--if she could stop in every couple weeks to visit with my mom and take her out to eat or to Target. She said it would be no problem. Early 2018, I sent her a few hundred $$ worth of gift cards so that she wouldn't have to come out of pocket to do these things for my mom. This is someone whom I'd never asked anything of except, on a couple occasions over the years, to stay at her apartment while I was in town. While I was her guest, I paid for some groceries and also took her to WHBM to get her some new clothes since hers were a mishmash of items that didn't match, didn't fit, and really didn't suit for when she needed to present a put-together or professional appearance. Since 2016, I have taken her shopping a couple times to help her out. The first time was for the reason stated above. After that, it was to add to what I bought the first time and/or because she lost weight and things didn't fit any more. I had also sent her money to help her get a better apartment or to help get things for her daughter.
I share this info to give context to why I didn't think it would be a big deal to ask her if she could visit my mom or take her out for lunch or shopping. Reanna and I had a friendship. When friends need help, you help them. When you need help, you ask them for it. This is also why I didn't think twice about sending her gift cards. I TRUSTED that she would use them for the reasons they were intended.
What hurt is, after my mom passed, I looked back at the message, text, and other facebook history to see if and when she'd been able to take my mom out. Mind you, Mom passed October 24th, 2018. The last time Reanna took my mom out: FEBRUARY 2018. I was also hurt by the fact that her only acknowledgement regarding my mom passing--a woman whom she'd said she'd check in on--was one comment on a post, DAYS after my mom passed: Sorry for you loss. No DM/PM; no additional comments on my fb page; nothing. I got ghosted. And when I called her out about it, I got chastised.
Me (Nov 7):
I'm hurt and angry.
You never messaged me like you said you would. You've yet to reach out to see how I'm
doing. And you've ignored my messages
for nearly two weeks now. I posted the
poo meme for all those reasons.
I can't, for the life
of me, figure out why you wouldn't take 11 or 12 minutes out of the past two
weeks to send me a message.
Hell, even my positive comment when you were asking for
prayers, netted me no response.
Is that it? My mom
dies and you drop me as a friend, just without the fb friend delete?
Reanna (Nov 7):
No because I've been working 16 hour days with only one day
off which is my only day off and having lupus I need that day to rest and try
to recoup. I've been working 2 jobs. I'm not home until this time at night.
Then it's time for me to eat, walk the dog, feed the dog and cat, get my kid in
bed, get her ready for tomorrow, get my self ready for bed and prepared for
tomorrow and start all over at 430 am. I am completely exhausted working from 8
to 2 then picking both girls up from school, therapies, neurology appointments,
meeting with the school, track meets, speech therapy, OT Etc... Until 5 when I
start my next job again with both girls on tow until 10 pm. So if I had time to
reach out I would of. But what little time I DO have thus far is spent resting
so I don't end up in the hospital because of my lupus. Christa grandma past and
I haven't messaged her and yet she understands as to why I haven't. I didn't
drop you as a friend I've just been busy being a SINGLE MOM because right now
that is my priority. Getting my kid the help she needs and also trying to
manage my health as well.
Me (Nov 7):
I'm not Christa. I'm
not going to behave like Christa.
I didn't realize that Christa's grandmother was on the same
level: someone whom you said you'd visit every few weeks.
Whatever the case, could you send back the gift cards? Your schedule is jam packed and I don't want
them to go to waste due to lack of use.
Thanks.
Message when you get a breather.
And try not to hold my grief against me.
I get that people are busy. I get that people have crappy health and work two jobs. What I don't get is how someone would try to make me believe that they NEVER have ANY downtime when I see numerous fb posts to the contrary, specifically Reanna posting about waiting times and sitting in waiting rooms, etc. Again, I wasn't expecting something super lengthy but something more than "Sorry for you loss" is not unreasonable to expect from someone who is supposedly a good friend.
On Nov 15th, Reanna posted a screenshot of something in which I thought she was complaining about adding to her list of things that she already has to do and I responded that she could say "No". A friend of hers took me to task as did Reanna:
As I will not apologize for anyone's behavior except my
own... I will say this. She's not the only one upset at what was said here and
the shit post on Facebook. I've given you my explanation via messenger. I've
been working 12/16 hour days some of those days are with 2 children in tow.
This is to help pay for my car to be fixed and a full psych eval for my child
that's not covered by insurance. That only leaves me 8 hours in a day to go to
therapy/homework/cook/clean and still spend time one on one with my child.
Accepting this position would not only give me a voice for my child in school
but also for other children and parents as well. I'm willing to cut back work
for that. My priorities are to my child/my health/my clients. Although, I am
saddened that your mom passed... And did say publicly my condolences, I do
recall not one person checking in on me when an aunt that I was very close to
passed from cancer a few months ago. Am I upset by that? No! We all live
extremely busy lives and I get it. The public condolences and prayers were
enough. I know my friends deeply and know that they will ALWAYS have my back in
thoughts and prayers. Not to mention most of my friends also have a chronic
illness such as myself and children with special needs so they require as much
downtime and peace as I do. Many even ask how I keep going the way I do with
what I have. I have a child who has needs that need to be taken care of $1500
psych exam plus $150 for the meeting with the school she needs to go and a car
to be fixed $3000 worth of damage that I don't have laying around. But to post
on my Facebook and yours to try to draw me into some kind of argument, I will
not do it. Seems as though you may have a bit of anger projection/narcissistic
traits that thanks to almost 2 years of therapy now I can recognize and won't
entertain them. Again, I am sorry for your loss. And if I'm faulted for being a
shitty friend but yet an AMAZING MOM AND AUNTIE, then my priorities are
straight.
It is NOT narcissistic to think that a friend would say more than "Sorry for your loss" but Reanna feels/felt differently.
At this point, I really just wanted to get the giftcards back so that I could send them to a friend who was homeless (or damn near--it's been three months so I don't remember what, exactly, that friend's situation was). When I asked her, on Nov 17th, when I could expect the gift cards, Reanna replied with this:
More than likely after December 1st since I'm working today
and tomorrow until way late and leaving 3 am Monday for Arizona
I followed up on Dec 2nd, Dec 9th, and Dec 11th. Other than a post on Dec 11th, I don't dwell on the situation. But the stress got revisited with subsequent events in December, January, and this month. Oh, I never did get the gift cards back. Essentially, Reanna stole from me. We'll call it misappropriation of funds by a layperson.
At the end of December, further research into the soka gakkai made me realize that what I wary of regarding this supposed Buddhism organization was true, to an extent. Although not an actual Multi-level Marketing "business", it had many parallels; more importantly, it was not a study of Buddhism. It was the study of Daisaku Ikeda, the sgi president. Everything that the organization studies, reads, or references is by or about Daisaku Ikeda. It's like saying you study Christianity but the only thing you read or study are books and such by Joel Osteen...or T.D. Jakes...or Joyce Meyer....but not the actual bible. The sgi studies none of the original Buddhist teachings. They study the perception of them, the opinion about them, but not the ACTUAL teachings. Realizing this, I cancelled my subscriptions to sgi publications on Dec 21st. I was on vacation at the time so there wasn't anything else I could do until I got home.
On January 3rd, I sent this email to the district in which I was assigned, along with a copy of the member resignation letter that I had mailed to sgi-usa headquarters that afternoon:
Hello everyone!
I've attached the January calendar. It is the last task that I will complete as
an sgi member. I will no longer
participate in an organization that says it teaches Buddhism when, in fact, the
sgi is all about the study of a man. I
joined to learn about Buddhism not participate in Ikedaism.
I realize that seasoned members may get their dander up and
dispute this claim but we need look no further than the January Living Buddhism
to have it proven true. Let's take a
look, shall we?
An excerpt from NHR by Ikeda
A monthly message from Ikeda
Good to Know that references an Ikeda book
Fundamentals that excerpts an Ikeda article
Ikeda Wisdom Academy questions that reference an Ikeda book
An article that excerpts "guidance" from various
things by Ikeda
A 26-page item that discusses the NHR, complete with a
picture of all the volumes
An experience that refers to Ikeda many times
A 5-page article that discusses "Shin'ichi"
The Mentor-Disciple piece
The Study Section from Ikeda's lecture series "...Sun
Illuminating..."
Ikeda's collected works "...Creating Happiness..."
The back cover is an advertisement for the newest book
"A Baptist Preacher's Buddhist Teacher"
I didn't join to study Ikeda's thoughts, perspectives, or
outlooks. I joined to study the
teachings of many authors.
I will not be dissuaded from my decision. It was made of my own free and rational
will. My sustaining contributions have
been terminated and my subscriptions have been cancelled as well. And, NO, I will not chant about it; besides,
the alter is disassembled.
To quote Maxine Waters: "Reclaiming my time!" from
the time-suck that is soka gakkai ikedaism.
I received only one negative response which was to say that
I shouldn't have used the positive cause of sending out the calendar to also
express my personal opinions about president ikeda, especially to the new
members.
Um, I HAD to send it the new members. I was OBLIGATED to send it to the new
members. I had to share with them why I
was leaving...that people actually DO leave the sgi. Two people from the district are still
friends. They each backed off the sgi
but still practice a bit. I didn't make
it my mission to change people's minds about whether they practice or not. I made it a mission to provide them the other
side of the coin, additional information about the practice. If you ask people who love Brussel sprouts
why other people HATE them, you don't get an answer. You have to solicit information from many
perspectives.
Two weeks after this all happened, I started the Spring
term: four Undergrad classes and one Grad class. I really enjoy the Undergrad classes. The Grad class has been a struggle. The instructor is an egomaniac. He also employs outdated methods: four hours
of lecture, none of which was essential to completing the Midterm--nor will it
be necessary to completing the Final--but we're required to attend the class.
Then February came.
On February 8th, I had to put a kitty down. She's been sick for years and was showing
evidence of decline in quality of life.
I took the other two kitties with me to the vet so that they would know
what happened and wouldn't be looking for her when I came back from the
vet. We were there for about an hour and
a half. Of course, that day had to be a
"good" day for Mocha. But, I'd
rather put her down while things are still good-ish rather than wait and
realize that I should have done it sooner.
Buster and Shivers have drawn closer to each other and are enjoying the
fact that I now leave the bedroom door open for them. Before, Mocha's episodes were something that
woke me up if she was in the room. She
would sound like she was retching up a hairball but there was no hairball. And this happened every night.
So, it's this series of events, since October, that
reinforced how small--almost nonexistent--my support system in Delaware really
is. I have NO family here. No best friend of 27 years. That needs to change. This summer, I'm putting the house on the
market and am moving out of the state.
First, to Iowa, to save up some money; and then, to Indiana, to,
hopefully, get settled into my life, once and for all.
All in all, things are going not so bad. I'll graduate in May, get the house prepped
for selling, and then I'm outie. I plan
to be out of the state by late Summer, if not sooner.
Oh, if you cross paths with Reanna, give her some happy
thoughts. As bad as it was before, her
health has gotten worse and she's dealing with additional challenges with her
pre-preteen daughter's health and well being.
Maybe give her a few dollars, too, 'cause nothing's cheap in California,
especially healthcare.
