Saturday, December 3, 2016

Tuesdays at Forty: Love Just Happened So Easily This Time

Our paths first crossed virtually.  We met online more than a year ago and messaged for months before moving on to texting.  We met in person about six months ago.  Just breakfast at a local diner.  There were no expectations.  We were just looking to meet/make a new friend.  A few weeks later, we had a late lunch/early dinner.  Texting in between the whole time.
"How's work?"  "Busy with some knuckleheads."
"What are you doing this weekend?"  "Headed out to NJ for a tournament.  You?"  "Working at the mall and then hanging with some friends."

Just everyday innocuous stuff.  Then we started seeing each other more often.  And he would say or do  stuff that was totally disarming: "You said you liked that movie so I brought you this one 'cause I think you'll like it."  Or "What do you want me to bring for drinks?" "I like X, Y, and Z." And he'd bring something of each of X, Y, and Z.  Now, I know this seems like normal, courteous stuff but the fellas that I've dated just don't do this.  They're always looking out for number one: themselves.  And they'll say stuff that makes you wonder what sort of game they're playing.  It's like Stratego or Chess in the dating world nowadays.

This man doesn't play mental all.  It's wonderful.  It's refreshing.  I don't have to wonder how he feels about me.  I don't have to wonder what he's doing when he's not with me.  I don't have to wonder if he's just in it for one thing and one thing only.  And it was so easy to just fall in love with that: his courtesy, his kindness, the fact that he digs me (in all venues lol), his sexiness, his sensuality, his intelligence.  And on and on and on.

I'd forgotten how easy it was to really love someone.  To know that if you saw something that made you think of them and you then showed them that thing, people who care about you aren't going to make fun of you or express disdain or indifference.  They'll show that they appreciate that you were thinking of them.

And they'll tell you that they'll miss you if you guys end up going your separate ways for whatever reason.  Because they actually give a shit about you.

It's wonderful to love someone and not have to be on guard mentally, emotionally, physically.  To just love them and know that they have love for you.

I'm totally sunk and it's wonderful and delicious and refreshing.  And 12 years is a long time to have not had it.

More please.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Tuesdays at Forty: A Week to Catch Up

I took this week off.  No work up at the mall though I'll put in a few hours at Acorn Books on Saturday.  There's a few projects that I've been putting off that I was able to make some good progress on this week.
And this:

Have become these (still in progress):

And then there's this:
That's about 500 pages of printed medical records--a task that took more than seven hours on my little printer--for my VA claim submission in two weeks.  I still have another 1200 pages to print out.  The rest will have to wait until I have more paper because I ran out shortly after typing this.

I also took numerous things to the Goodwill that had been cluttering up the house.  Yep, still purging stuff.  Sometimes, you set things to the side with plans to sell them on a local facebook yard sale page or repurpose them but those actions never seem to happen.  SO, you have to do something.  I was tired of looking at them.

I finally go the roof repair estimate that I was satisfied with and pushed forward with that.  Just need to make the down payment and then they'll order the materials.  Before winter hits, I'll have no more leaks.  I also made arrangements for further flooring replacement in the entryway, the downstairs bathroom, and the laundry room.  They'll match the kitchen and dining room floors.  That'll be done the first week of November.  One more box checked off the "Things to Repair Before Selling in Three Years" list.

Got my school application submitted.  GIBill submitted.  Just waiting to hear from each agency so that I can move forward with school and getting classes scheduled.

There were other, little things, that got done around the house this week.  It was just a matter of having the uninterrupted time to do them.  I even rearranged the living room.  Something that hadn't been done in three years.  I found nearly a dozen cat toys under the TV cabinet.  I wonder how long it will be before they're all lost again.  :)

I'm still working on getting the spare room cleared of stuff that doesn't need to be in there.  It's kind of difficult.  It's the place where I put the stuff from all the other rooms that doesn't belong in *those* rooms--kind of the last landing pad before I really make a decision.  lol  It'll get there.  If people came to my house, they would NEVER say that I have a lot of stuff.  lol.

Have a good week!

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Tuesdays at Forty: Living Life or Just Getting Through It?

Thankfully, September has had fewer repairs than July and August so that is a distinct plus; however, now I'm just kind of treading water.  I look at the things that I need to do and then I look at my budget and the list of things to do gets considerably shorter.  I'm still making adjustments to various aspects as I adjust to my retired life.  Truth be told, it is quite difficult to go from making $4400/mo to less than $2000/mo, especially when Murphy made a two month long visit.  The good news is that I'm putting in more hours at White House Black Market--pretty much every shift that I'm available, I have a shift--which is good because that's more money in the bank BUT I need to further refine my budget to accommodate the increased gas expenses.
I did submit my GIBill application yesterday and, next week, I'll be submitting my application to become a full time student at Wesley.  Things are looking up.  It'll be good to get back into some sort of routine and learning new things.
With the strain of the finances, I continue to put one foot in front of the other and do my best to adapt to this new life condition.  And I'm grateful for the pension that I have and the part time job that augments it.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Tuesdays at Forty: Does Anyone Have a Life Preserver So That I Can Continue to Not Drown?

Seven weeks since I first wrote about the money "fun" and it hasn't let up.  I'm really starting to get pissed at Murphy.  He's definitely overstayed his welcome.  After the Jeep service at the beginning of July, I then got my air conditioners serviced.  I have dual zone a/c and each "zone" has two large components--an evaporator and a condenser (thank you, Google).  Well, the upper zone needed a capacitor in each component.  Those capacitors aren't cheap, that's for sure.  Though, to be fair, they are cheaper than what the government would have paid.  lol.  But that was $500 just three weeks after spending a good chunk of change on the Jeep.  Followed up by $1600 spent on pest control services for termites and wood-boring beetles.  During the a/c servicing, it was discovered that I have a leak in my roof.  Three days later, during a rain storm, I discovered a second leak.  Preliminary estimates are $5000 to repair those and replace the attic windows that are long overdue on replacement.  Ugh!!

On the up side, I was able to refi my mortgage and get a rate reduction of more than 1% so that is cool beans.  I also swapped my Long Term Care Insurance from monthly payments to annual payments.  Those two things will save me $1200 and $200 a year, respectively; as well as free up enough money, monthly, that I can look into getting a newer vehicle.  Not NEW, just newer (and younger).

So, I'm still going.  The stress hasn't let up but I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Tuesdays at Forty: The "New Normal" is now Just "Normal"

Things are just rolling along.  My stress level has decreased significantly or maybe I'm just handling it better.  Numerous other expenses and projects have presented themselves but I just take a look at what takes precedence and move on from there.  Case in point: Got the Jeep maintenance taken care of and now I discover I have termites in my cellar and wood-boring beetles in my attic, as well as two leaks in my roof.  The pest control guy is here, now, as I type this, spraying all kinds of good stuff to kill the little bastards.  I have a few roof guys coming out this week and next to provide me with estimates to get the leaks taken care of.  They're also giving me quotes for the attic windows that need replacing.

I also contacted my mortgage company about refinancing my house.  It's not underwater any more and rates are lower than my current rate so I figured: Why not?  The worst they can say is: No.  And, actually, the Chase guy said I'm good to go--thank you, high credit score and decent equity--so now I'm just waiting their cogs to do what needs to be done and see what rate I get.  I'm aiming for 3.5%--a full 1% less than what I have.  That would save me about $100 a month on the payment.  I opted to pay points to get as low an interest rate as possible and roll the cost for doing so into the mortgage.  I don't plan on being here more than another three years so I'm not too concerned about the reset to another 30 year loan.  And, if I decide that renting out the house is easier, initially, than selling, I'll have that much more cushion between my payment and the monthly rent while keeping the (potential) renter's payment fairly low.

Anyhow, I think there are two specific things contributing to me handling my stress better: I'm taking better care of myself (eating better and getting in more physical activity) and I'm parking my butt in front of my gohonzon more regularly.  You just don't know what it means to get yourself straight with yourself with daily chanting sessions until you're not doing it.  I don't recommend not doing it.  Nichiren Buddhism is vital to me.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Tuesdays at Forty: Is it Really "Comfort Food" if it Stresses You Out?

I had so many ideas for my next blog post that I ended up writing none of them...until now.  This one is a result of a few experiences that have happened to me recently and/or decisions that I've made in the not so distant past i.e. in July that have culminated in one topic.  I've been purposely avoiding writing any posts about food or weight loss or anything in that vein but this facet of the subject seemed so very relevant to my new normal that I couldn't avoid it any longer.

What am I talking about?  Well, I've lost physical strength.  I've also been experiencing food allergies.  These two things, together, have cemented my decision to make changes.  The remedy for loss of strength is pretty cut and dried.  I'm back in the gym, hitting the free weights and doing some cardio to get the stamina built up in my heart again.  My food allergies are little bit different in how they present; though, I guess, that remedy is pretty obvious too: Quit eating them.  Anyhow, I don't get sick or anything with these allergies.  What I get is large cystic acne on my neck, right under my jawline.  They're not whiteheads.  They're not blackheads.  They are just large bumps that hurt and won't go away until I remove the contaminant from my system i.e. quit eating the shitty foods.  Which I've been doing.

So, that's one portion of the brain waves that have gone into this post.  The other has been me reading "The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg.  This book talks about, obviously, habits.  How they're created, how they, essentially, maintain themselves, and how they get broken.  So, how does this relate to my food allergies?  Because of my "go to" foods.  If you're a "stress eater" or "emotional eater", you have them too.  They are your food habits.  Your reaction to stress habits.  Your "everything" habits.  Did you ever stop to think how they came to be your "go to" foods?  I recently did.

My foods are: Red Vines, cookie dough, ice cream, and jelly beans or Mike n Ikes.  I love them but eating them stresses me out further because I know candy isn't good for me (or anyone), I'm allergic to dairy (in fairly traditional ways--I start to feel ooky), and I'm allergic to grains (hence the cystic acne).  But I started wondering WHY I eat those particular foods when stuff is going on in my life.  Red Vines was pretty easy.  My grandpa and my aunt used to go to Costco and buy the big tub of them and bring it by the house when I was a kid--single digit age, not teenager.  Jelly beans and Mike n Ikes are things that I just like the mechanics of eating--a task that takes a little time but soothes me with its habit.  The cookie dough was a little bit more difficult to figure out.  I've been eating it, periodically, for decades.  And, until a couple weeks ago, never realized why or that it was only during certain times in my life.

The serious, deep pondering of it came about after having a conversation with one friend, whom I was telling that I needed to get my physical strength back up and about my food allergies but whom I've known for only a year or two; and after having a different perspective of the same conversation with my best friend of more than 20 years.  It didn't come to me until after I had hung up the phone with her though.

A little background on me to give you a better understanding of where I'm coming from, as well as show how my habit developed.  My parents split when I was in middle school.  The summer before my Freshman year, we moved out of the house that I had grown up in to one that was in the school district that my mom was going to have me attend (by my choice, thankfully).  It was me, her, and her boyfriend (and still long-time fella of almost 27 years).  Previously, it was me, Mom, and my brother.  Dad was in the military and came home on weekends.

Anyhow, when we moved, out standard of living seemed to go down.  When I was a kid, I remember having cookies and other snacks in the house all the time.  It wasn't like that when I was a teenager.  Now, to be fair, I may have just eaten what was there so fast, that I don't remember that we actually had them.  I do remember that the fridge was NEVER full of food; but it did ALWAYS have Budweiser, Bud Light, and condiments in it.  There was always cigarettes too--Kent Kings, never 100s and I have no idea why since I've never smoked.  There was always meat in the freezer 'cause her boyfriend worked for a meat company.  I feel like I remember my after school snacks being slices of bread that I would roll into a ball and pop into my mouth or a cold hotdog.  I just don't remember any other snacks.  On occasion, though, Mom would buy some Pilsbury cookie dough.  This was only when we had a little extra money.  Mind you, we weren't poverty level.  I always had clothes and shoes when I needed them.

Let's do a little math (which might be skewed because I can't go back in time to check prices) for a week's worth of consumption:
12 pack of Bud Light (in 1990) maybe $5 (x7)
12 pack of Budweiser (in 1990) same $5 (x7)
Carton of Kent Kings (in 1990) maybe $10 (x1)
That's $80 a week spent on these "staple" items.  I remember doing the math with more accurate numbers about 20 years ago and it worked out to be about $5000/year spent.  That being said, it was always such a big deal when Mom got me some cookie dough.  It meant that we had that little bit extra to "splurge" and that we were going to be my 14 year old mind.

Fast forward ten years, having just bought my first home the year prior and going through some tough (aka tight budget) times.  What has become a staple in my freezer?  Cookie dough.  Fast forward another five years.  I have that first mortgage in WA state, apartment rent in DE, and a car payment.  What did I eat a lot of?  Cookie dough.  Now, present day (but a year ago), I have retirement coming up which means my income is going to drop significantly, my credit card has taken a beating as I threw all I can at my Home Equity Loan because USAA extended me an offer that they would match 50% of every dollar that I paid, up to $6000 between Nov 2013 and Oct 2014.  You can bet that I paid an extra $12,000 on that HEL so that I could net an $18,000 paydown.  Anyhow, the card got a lot of use because I threw all my extra cash at the HEL.  What has, once again, become a staple?  Cookie dough.  I didn't buy it when my budget wasn't tight.  I was going out and doing stuff and having fun.  I didn't need to "splurge" on cookie dough.  It was the fun that I was having when I couldn't go out and have fun because I couldn't afford it.

When I realized this connection, that I was using cookie dough as an indicator that things were going to be okay, I cried.  I cried because, after 20+ years, I finally saw WHY I turned to it.  And, now that I've realized it, I don't turn to it any more.  I don't need this chemical laden, grain product (that I'm quite allergic to) to reassure me that things are going to be okay.  My habit was broken.

What's your habit?

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Tuesdays at Forty: Money "Fun" is My Worst Stressor Right Now

Last week, I talked about feeling overwhelmed with all the stuff that I need to get done.  Well, that ball is rolling.  The biggest stressor is having to pay for stuff that I didn't need to before--health insurance, dental insurance, having to pay to get copies made of my medical records--and that was increased quite a bit at the end of the week.

My poor little Jeep Liberty--she of 11 years and more than 120,000 miles--had to get some much needed maintenance taken care of.  That cost me more than $4000.  Now, I realize it's not polite, per se, to discuss or share how much stuff ended up costing but $4000, in one big chunk, is quite a bite to swallow.  And that's on top of all the other stuff that I'm having to pay for (see above) as well as just living my life.

So...I'm still digesting it.  Pretty soon, it'll just be part of the landscape but, right now, while I'm still getting used to this new normal (which is barely two months old), I'm doing what I can to not implode.  Quite a few of the things on my "To Do" list are "To Done" and I'm glad for that.  Granted, new stuff gets added as time goes by but I'm getting there.  And, while I may fuss and moan and groan about the days that I have to work at the part-time, I'm thankful to have the shifts because that's more money to work with through the month.  And I'm thankful for my other avenues of income, no matter how large or small.  Every little bit helps.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo