Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Wednesdays at Forty-Something: Who Is This Woman?

I don't recognize who I've become.  Transition is HARD.  It is so very hard.  I spent a the last four or five years of being in the Air Force focused on getting out, on retiring.  There was an endpoint.  There was a tangible milestone.

Now there isn't.  I've spent a good portion of the past 18 months, trying to find a new direction, a new focus.  I'm unsettled.  I'm scared.  I'm excited.  I'm anxious.  I'm sad.  I'm happy.  I have experienced every possible emotion and, I think, discovered some new ones.  I don't recognize this person.  I'm so very different from what I was while in the Air Force and I don't know what to do with this new personality.

The core is still the same--I'm still a loyal, generous, compassionate person; but it's the relationships that are new in my life--whether they're new to my life completely or experiencing a new facet--that are taking the most pummeling.  I feel like I'm about to lose two very important people in my life, all because I'm so uncertain in the skin I'm in.

I'm working on becoming more accustomed to this new self but it's so very difficult.  And I'm finding it extremely hard to get out of this fucking pity party that I've been in for the past six months.  I'm not a joy to be around.  I'm so stuck on the fact that my best friends don't live here, my blood family doesn't live here, my two loves don't live here; that I'm not appreciating all that I do have here.

Mary and Joseph!! I just don't know what to do with myself.  I sit in front of my gohonzon and chant to see my life better but I seem to be stuck.  The clarity just isn't coming.

I see friends getting married and I envy them their love.  I see friends succeeding in life and I wonder "How do I get there?"  I see families spending time with their parents and siblings and I rail at the things that make it so that I can't.  I'm missing seeing my baby niece grow up.  I never saw her brother or sister grow up either.  They're both grown.

I resent the things that keep friends and family from visiting me.  I can count on fewer than ten fingers how many different people have visited me (in the past decade) and I wonder "Why?"  (There's that pity-party again.)

I'm struggling to find things that I enjoy doing.  I got so accustomed to not doing too many things because they cost money and I've spent, literally, the past ten years paying off more than $40,000 in debt.  That debt is gone but it takes time to change the mindset to teaching myself to enjoy adventures and going to do more things again.

I'm trying.  So very hard.

Who am I?

I plan to find out.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Wednesdays at Forty-Something: Stressing Over Nothing

I took another road trip a few weeks ago and drove to Iowa and back, with a stop in Indiana during each leg, to and from.  Other than dealing with traffic, the stress factor was pretty light.  Even when the "check engine" light went on, I wasn't worried because the Jeep didn't smell funny, the temp gauge stayed below midway, and nothing else indicated imminent danger.  When I got home, I had it checked out--stuck thermostat--and repaired.  Even the cost didn't cause me any heart blips--I had the money saved up and was able to pay for it.

Did you know, though, that having nothing to do will cause you to stress?  I mean, for the next six weeks, I have, pretty much, no demands on my time.  I have nowhere that I *have* to be--yes, I'm scheduled every Sunday at the part-time but I *want* to be there.  I also have a few appointments here and there but I have no full-time demand on my time until school starts near the end of August.

I know many people would consider this heaven; but, really, it's not.  At least not right now.  Because I'm in-between terms, and still have four of those left, I'm not choosing to move just yet which means that I'm not truly able to pursue, fully, what I'd like to pursue.  I feel a bit unfocused.  It's not a fun feeling.  I don't really recommend it.  I actually have to think of reasons to get out of bed.  Not because I'm experiencing agoraphobia or anything but because, most days, I have nothing planned, nowhere to be, little to do.

So, my focus is: To find my focus for the next six weeks.

To the gohonzon, I go!