Saturday, January 21, 2017

Tuesdays at Forty: It's Not As Easy As It Sounds

I wrote a post nearly two weeks ago about being "poly" in nature and I don't want folks to think that it's as easy as it sounds.  Being able to love more than one person at a time doesn't mean that my heart isn't aching for the one whom I can't see right now.  Granted, I have plans to see him next weekend but subsequent visits are unplanned at this point because we both know that life has a tendency to get in the way.

But, right now, I miss him so much that it hurts.  For the past month (Friday was 30 days and YES, I'm counting), I've hated not knowing that our paths will cross at the gym or that I'll see him for dinner on our "usual" dinner night or for breakfast one day on the weekend.  I miss seeing his smile in person.  I miss him giving me crap when I say something silly.  I miss so many little things.  I don't tell him half the shit I'm thinking because I don't want to overwhelm him with my emotions.

And, holy shit, emotions!!!  When you just have a crush on someone, it's so much easier.  When you're not in love with someone, it's so much easier. You can keep all those emotions all bottled up and never worry that you'll say too much.  But, when you've got this new thing going on--some circles call it, very aptly: New Relationship Energy (NRE)--then your emotions are all over the place.

"What's he doing?"
"Where's he going today?"
"How does he feel?"
"Will we see each other today?"
"Damn! He looks good!"
"Aw, he brought me my favorite beverage."

Falling in love with him was super easy but navigating the whole spectrum of emotions is not for the faint of heart.  I had forgotten how all over the place you can be.  And I do my best to not blow up his phone with "thinking of you messages".  I'm succeeding at that...most of the time.  lol.  I'm also doing my best to take things one step at a time.  In the past, it just hasn't worked out for me and I think I'm in this big hurry to get to a point of knowing whether things are going to work out for us or not instead of just enjoying the journey.  Though, the journey sometimes feels like a big waiting game when I don't have a busy day and he does and so I don't hear from him very often.

I also, unfairly, test him; in more ways than I realize and I'm embarrassed that I do so.  I know that I can't keep doing it; that it really will bite me in the ass and he will call it quits just so he doesn't have to deal with my untrained heart any more.  I want him to make plans for when he'll come see me and, really, neither one of us knows what we'll be doing in four, five, six months which is the soonest that that would happen.

And I get so angry about it.  Angry at circumstances.  Angry at him.  Angry at his job that made him move.  Angry at the unfairness of it all.  Angry that he won't make any plans.  Angry that he won't do whatever it is, at that moment, that I wish he would do.

But, then, I get not angry and see the true flipside of things.  He had no control over leaving.  He HAD to go.  Him not being in my town actually makes it easier for me to focus on school work and taking the other classes that I'm taking: ballet and Tai Chi.  He works really long hours and then does stuff on the weekends so our time together was really limited but I can see me getting frustrated with that as time goes by.  And that part wouldn't change for a couple years.

I'm guess I'm also angry at the fact that he showed me what nice guys really are like (even when they have that balance of having various flaws to balance out the niceness: sarcasm, tunnel vision to the point of exclusion when focused on something, etc) and then "took it away" so to speak.  And, I gotta be honest, the nekid games were out of this world.  It's been a long time since my world was rocked so well and so thoroughly.  And now I don't have that either.

I think I may have to loosen the grip that I think I have on the situation.  I don't know how but I have to do something.  I don't want to lose him.

I just want to make it with him.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Tuesdays at Forty: Growth and Learning All Around (The College Aspect)

Last week, I started school...again...full time.  For me, this is huge.  I've been taking college classes since just after I graduated high school.  Graduated HS in June 1994, started classes in August 1994.  I think I was full time then, too, because I remember taking three or four at that time.  The regular stuff that college freshmen take: Math, English, etc.  I remember also taking the very difficult class of "Weight Lifting".  It had replaced Accounting because that shit was hard!  lol.

I took more college classes during my 20 years in the Air Force but rarely more than one at a time and almost never more than two a year.  The plus side to that: I don't need to take but one or two of those lower level courses now.  The downside: I still have to take one or two of those lower level courses now.

So...what have I noticed that might be different or the same about my classmates then and now.  Well, the biggest is that THEN we were the same age.  NOW, not so much.  90% of them are young enough to be my offspring.  But, I think this is a good thing.  They can share what they know that I don't which is much since it's a whole different world from when I was in my late teens and early 20s.  I can share my oodles of life experience with them.

I went in search of some headline topics from the 90s and here's what I found (in no particular order):
  • Tonya Harding had Nancy Kerrigan clubbed in the knee (ice skating competition was FIERCE back then)
  • The OJ Simpson trial
  • Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky ("I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman" or something like that)

2016, alone, was all kinds of topsy turvy and I don't know that there can be any sort of comparison; mainly because we're in a different mindset and have different perspectives on things than we would have almost a generation ago.

Anyhow, the differences are many but you know what we have in common: BOOKS! 

For the love of all that runs this universe, college books are getting bigger.  I swear!  I'm taking only four classes.  One requires a workbook so, for that class, I have two books.

My stack:

The spiral bound is for a computer class and the black book holds all my notepads.

The other difference between me and my classmates: I don't think they share my enthusiasm for the freedom of being able to attend class; to learn these new topics; to take in this knowledge that I know is relevant, even if only in part.

I'm excited for this adventure.

And, what's even more exciting, being able to wear anything and everything in my wardrobe without having to conform to uniform/dress code rules.  I imagine the school has a general dress code but I don't imagine that anything in MY wardrobe would be against it.  lol.  

Finally, it wouldn't have been a "Back to School" without "Back to School Pictures" so here you go:

I must go now.  I have homework.  😄
Read the other Growth and Learning Aspect post here.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Tuesdays at Forty: Growth and Learning All Around (The Poly Aspect)

It's been only a couple of months since I fell in love again, for the first time in years; and almost a month since that love moved out of state.  We're separated, geographically, but ours "feels" for each other are the same.  We didn't end the relationship and we're taking it as it comes, letting it go where it will like a newly forming river.  What makes this easier, for me, is that while I miss him like crazy, he's not the only person in my life or, at least, he doesn't have to be.  I've found that the polyamorous lifestyle works for me.  I can date.  I can get involved with someone else.  And it doesn't take away from my love for him.  To not have the obligation to deny baser needs of affection and touch while someone I love is so far away is such a relief.

I know that this kind of dynamic isn't for everyone.  Our society is based upon one man and one woman finding each other and being with each other forever.  Society is changing but the assumption of only two people being in a relationship is still very much there.  More recently, it's accepted for those two people to have similar equipment.  But the thought of having relationships outside of that is "odd" or "weird" or "whatever."

I do have say this: When I say "polyamorous", I'm not meaning "poly'eff'ory" in which folks are sleeping around all willy nilly.  That might play a part in it.  Someone who is poly might have an "Eff Buddy" but so might someone who is monogamous in nature.  A poly person might also have a "Friend w/Benefits" in which friends, who hang out, might also be intimately involved.  Again, this isn't just poly folks.  Mono folks do this too.

To be poly, is so much more, and can require more skills to do.  I say "skills" because time management is KEY to ensuring all parties see each other as their needs require and communication is employed to the nth degree.  I wouldn't have seen my fella as often as I did, before he moved, had we both not used these concepts extensively.  You also need to have a level of self-awareness to be able to evaluate if something is or isn't working for you.  As much as a lot of "regular" relationships run off of assumption, you just can't do that in a poly dynamic.  I can't expect my fella to know my time needs or limits without me being aware of them myself.  On the flip side, those needs and limits require a measure of respect because they are part of the framework of the relationship.

So, moving on to those needs...

I realized very shortly after he moved that I didn't want to go back to the scenario that was my life before he and I started dating.  I didn't want to not go out on dates just because the one that I'm involved with isn't in my town any more.  Someone in a monogamous relationship would have a couple choices: break up with them so that they could date again, cheat and hope they never find out, or not date at all.  I like the choices that I have which are those already stated PLUS: love them him from afar and see him when I can AND date someone else.  I'll take option D any day of the week.  You know what this does?  It takes the term "cheating" out of the equation.  In a healthy poly relationship, there is no cheating.  And why should you have to choose between whom you love and whom you might grow to love?  Do BOTH!!

Now, I'm not saying that this is easy.  There are a lot of societal norms that we are conditioned to do or not do and it takes time to learn or unlearn them.  And that's where I'm at.

The (un)learning continues...
got this from facebook

Read the other Growth and Learning Aspect here.