Tuesdays at Forty: It's Not As Easy As It Sounds

I wrote a post nearly two weeks ago about being "poly" in nature and I don't want folks to think that it's as easy as it sounds.  Being able to love more than one person at a time doesn't mean that my heart isn't aching for the one whom I can't see right now.  Granted, I have plans to see him next weekend but subsequent visits are unplanned at this point because we both know that life has a tendency to get in the way.

But, right now, I miss him so much that it hurts.  For the past month (Friday was 30 days and YES, I'm counting), I've hated not knowing that our paths will cross at the gym or that I'll see him for dinner on our "usual" dinner night or for breakfast one day on the weekend.  I miss seeing his smile in person.  I miss him giving me crap when I say something silly.  I miss so many little things.  I don't tell him half the shit I'm thinking because I don't want to overwhelm him with my emotions.

And, holy shit, emotions!!!  When you just have a crush on someone, it's so much easier.  When you're not in love with someone, it's so much easier. You can keep all those emotions all bottled up and never worry that you'll say too much.  But, when you've got this new thing going on--some circles call it, very aptly: New Relationship Energy (NRE)--then your emotions are all over the place.

"What's he doing?"
"Where's he going today?"
"How does he feel?"
"Will we see each other today?"
"Damn! He looks good!"
"Aw, he brought me my favorite beverage."

Falling in love with him was super easy but navigating the whole spectrum of emotions is not for the faint of heart.  I had forgotten how all over the place you can be.  And I do my best to not blow up his phone with "thinking of you messages".  I'm succeeding at that...most of the time.  lol.  I'm also doing my best to take things one step at a time.  In the past, it just hasn't worked out for me and I think I'm in this big hurry to get to a point of knowing whether things are going to work out for us or not instead of just enjoying the journey.  Though, the journey sometimes feels like a big waiting game when I don't have a busy day and he does and so I don't hear from him very often.

I also, unfairly, test him; in more ways than I realize and I'm embarrassed that I do so.  I know that I can't keep doing it; that it really will bite me in the ass and he will call it quits just so he doesn't have to deal with my untrained heart any more.  I want him to make plans for when he'll come see me and, really, neither one of us knows what we'll be doing in four, five, six months which is the soonest that that would happen.

And I get so angry about it.  Angry at circumstances.  Angry at him.  Angry at his job that made him move.  Angry at the unfairness of it all.  Angry that he won't make any plans.  Angry that he won't do whatever it is, at that moment, that I wish he would do.

But, then, I get not angry and see the true flipside of things.  He had no control over leaving.  He HAD to go.  Him not being in my town actually makes it easier for me to focus on school work and taking the other classes that I'm taking: ballet and Tai Chi.  He works really long hours and then does stuff on the weekends so our time together was really limited but I can see me getting frustrated with that as time goes by.  And that part wouldn't change for a couple years.

I'm guess I'm also angry at the fact that he showed me what nice guys really are like (even when they have that balance of having various flaws to balance out the niceness: sarcasm, tunnel vision to the point of exclusion when focused on something, etc) and then "took it away" so to speak.  And, I gotta be honest, the nekid games were out of this world.  It's been a long time since my world was rocked so well and so thoroughly.  And now I don't have that either.

I think I may have to loosen the grip that I think I have on the situation.  I don't know how but I have to do something.  I don't want to lose him.

I just want to make it with him.