Tuesdays at Forty: Growth and Learning All Around (The Poly Aspect)

It's been only a couple of months since I fell in love again, for the first time in years; and almost a month since that love moved out of state.  We're separated, geographically, but ours "feels" for each other are the same.  We didn't end the relationship and we're taking it as it comes, letting it go where it will like a newly forming river.  What makes this easier, for me, is that while I miss him like crazy, he's not the only person in my life or, at least, he doesn't have to be.  I've found that the polyamorous lifestyle works for me.  I can date.  I can get involved with someone else.  And it doesn't take away from my love for him.  To not have the obligation to deny baser needs of affection and touch while someone I love is so far away is such a relief.

I know that this kind of dynamic isn't for everyone.  Our society is based upon one man and one woman finding each other and being with each other forever.  Society is changing but the assumption of only two people being in a relationship is still very much there.  More recently, it's accepted for those two people to have similar equipment.  But the thought of having relationships outside of that is "odd" or "weird" or "whatever."

I do have say this: When I say "polyamorous", I'm not meaning "poly'eff'ory" in which folks are sleeping around all willy nilly.  That might play a part in it.  Someone who is poly might have an "Eff Buddy" but so might someone who is monogamous in nature.  A poly person might also have a "Friend w/Benefits" in which friends, who hang out, might also be intimately involved.  Again, this isn't just poly folks.  Mono folks do this too.

To be poly, is so much more, and can require more skills to do.  I say "skills" because time management is KEY to ensuring all parties see each other as their needs require and communication is employed to the nth degree.  I wouldn't have seen my fella as often as I did, before he moved, had we both not used these concepts extensively.  You also need to have a level of self-awareness to be able to evaluate if something is or isn't working for you.  As much as a lot of "regular" relationships run off of assumption, you just can't do that in a poly dynamic.  I can't expect my fella to know my time needs or limits without me being aware of them myself.  On the flip side, those needs and limits require a measure of respect because they are part of the framework of the relationship.

So, moving on to those needs...

I realized very shortly after he moved that I didn't want to go back to the scenario that was my life before he and I started dating.  I didn't want to not go out on dates just because the one that I'm involved with isn't in my town any more.  Someone in a monogamous relationship would have a couple choices: break up with them so that they could date again, cheat and hope they never find out, or not date at all.  I like the choices that I have which are those already stated PLUS: love them him from afar and see him when I can AND date someone else.  I'll take option D any day of the week.  You know what this does?  It takes the term "cheating" out of the equation.  In a healthy poly relationship, there is no cheating.  And why should you have to choose between whom you love and whom you might grow to love?  Do BOTH!!

Now, I'm not saying that this is easy.  There are a lot of societal norms that we are conditioned to do or not do and it takes time to learn or unlearn them.  And that's where I'm at.

The (un)learning continues...

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Read the other Growth and Learning Aspect here.