Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Trying to grow, change, and improve...

What I will never understand is how some will talk about all your negative traits but they don't see when you're trying to make yourself into a better person nor will they, with regard for your feelings, let you know what you might be doing wrong.
I am nowhere near where I want to be as a person.  Things that have happened to me in the past have really affected how I interact with those around me.  I love my friends and do my best to be a good friend to them.  I think I do pretty well but when my tendency to be upfront backfires, I react by being a little less forthright.  I don't get dishonest but I will share a whole lot less.
Or, when I'm dating, I usually jump all in (with my head) but hold back (with my heart).  I treat my sweetie the way that I want to be treated and try to not chameleon--which I've been doing pretty well.  However, when they turn out to be a douchebag, I will throw a wall right back up and tread cautiously.  I have way more casual sweeties than serious ones.  The last serious fella that I was with was in 2004 and he chose to be dishonest with me...haven't shared my heart with anyone since.  That's not to say that I haven't loved anyone since then but there was definitely a part of me that was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  And, it did.  Thank you for that, Black Behr.
So, going back to trying to improve.  Because of my lack of trust towards most folks, I'm pretty sure that I come off as a bitch.  I exhibit disdain and dismissiveness.  I'm trying to not do so.  I've also been accused of having a "high sense of entitlement."  I don't know what that means but I'm trying to figure it out so that I can address it.  If anyone who knows me, knows what this means, please let me know so that I can get to work on adjusting whatever it is that needs to change.
I'm also constantly in conflict with myself because my "military work" self is so much at odds with my "true" self.  I'm so much more at ease at my part time job than I am at full time job.  I think because I'm less under the microscope at VS than I am in the AF.  As a result, that discontent and anxiety carries over into my personality and the folks I work with pick up on it.  Three more years and I can say "Screw it!  This is the *real* me."
I welcome any and all feedback.  I do truly want to grow.

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