My Thoughts To Him And About Him.

I can't stop thinking about him.  Maybe it's New Relationship Energy; maybe it's just seeing him as the man that he is; maybe it's both.  I see potential for us.  I see wanting to be with him often.  I see wanting to be part of his world and having him be part of mine.  I see a man who has been hurt and is unbelievably gun-shy.  That, in turn, makes me pause.  I want to reassure him that not everyone is as selfish as his last involvement appears to be; that not every woman is that emotionally immature; that I'm not every woman and especially that I'm not her.

Do I want him to change who he is?  Not at his core.  But I do need him to see that I, too, need some reassurance.  I want to be told that I'm missed.  I want to be told that I'm thought about.  I want to be told that I'm important.  I want to be told that the time in between visits seems to take forever but will go quickly.  Even if being told involves no words.

I see a man who has aspirations beyond his current situation and that inspires me.  I see a man who wants to want to plan for a future but is unable to due to shit that happened in the past.  Or maybe I'm  just hoping that he'll want to plan for a future at some point.  I want to be trusted.  I want him to see that I'm not out to get him.  I'm not out to do him wrong.  I'm not a wolf in sheep's clothing.

I want him to realize that the slow burn between us that has blossomed in the past month requires an adjustment on his part.  And mine.  I'm no longer in the background--a background that I didn't realize that I was in.  I'm trying to be in the foreground but sometimes I feel like "out of state, out of mind" because the communication that I get is a response to something I've sent rather than initiated on his end.  Daily, I tell myself to be patient; that I need to get used to him getting used to me being in the foreground.  And that I need to have patience to let each day roll into the next.

Maybe I need to just club him over the head and drag him back to my cave.

Tuesdays at Forty: Always Learning Something New About Myself

For the longest time, like, up until about 15 minutes ago, I believed that I was difficult to get to know.  You know what?  I'm not.  I'm very easy to get to know.  Some people may have to take a little more time to adjust to the me that is me but that's on them.  I have believed that I'm difficult to get to know for as long as I can remember and, really, I'm just not.

I'm loyal.  I'm tenderhearted.  I'm considerate.  Granted, I may not approach situations the way that some would but that doesn't make me "difficult".  That makes me "different"...from them.  I often speak my mind but not always.  My expressions do a lot of talking for me.  Because of this, I try to be mindful of what I'm thinking so as to not hurt the feelings of someone in case they interpret puzzlement as judgement.  Most of the time I'm thinking "I don't get it" and they might see "You're an idiot"; and, to be fair, that is sometimes what I'm actually thinking.  But, I'm honest.  I don't see the point in lying and, really, it's just easier to tell the truth.  It's so much easier to remember what is true than what is not.

I'm scared sometimes.  I have two very real fears.  1) That I'll die like my aunt and not be found for a week...like my aunt; and 2) That I'll be forgotten, by those whom I hold dear.  Having a legacy, of sorts, is important to me.  I want to leave a positive mark on the world.  I want to remembered for the good that I've done, whatever it might be.  I can hope and work towards making a positive change in my own life in ways that others note positive things in their lives because of me.

I'm not afraid to love.  I'm not afraid to be hurt, emotionally.  Wounds heal.  I can say this with the luxury of having never been in an abusive relationship.  I hope I never encounter a situation, like that, that makes me afraid to love or to let others in.  And I take heart in knowing that I've never put anyone through an abusive relationship.  I hope.  I have manipulated in the past but I think that was due to being young and seeing that in relationships that were modeled for me.  I strive very earnestly, in my current relationships, to not employ manipulative tactics.  I ask for things out of genuine need and I do things out of genuine desire to do well and good for the people that I love.  And I hope, in time, the men that I love can love me back to the best of their ability.  I don't know if love matches love in relationships.  I know that it can wax and wane and is often in flux.  There's nothing wrong with that.  You have to make room for growth and learning.

I'm constantly looking at things in my life and asking: How can I do better?  It doesn't mean that I always take the steps needed to make them better but I am always looking at what can be done.  Sometimes, I'm overwhelmed at the things ahead of me and other times, I'm energized by them.  It really does run a path of hills and valleys.

As for my men.  I love my "sexy fella" and recognize the limitations in our relationship and I love my "Em Ess" and hope that we can move forward as we've been doing so far.  Having them in my life inspires me to pursue my authentic self and any and all the passions that I've been wanting to for years.  Much as my bestest friends have for years.

Excited for the tomorrows in my life.  And a little scared too.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo