Wednesdays at Forty-Something: Homeownership is NOT for the Faint of Heart

I'm closing in on a decade of homeownership in my current house and, let me tell you: It's not easy by any stretch.  For decades, now, I've realtor friends talk about how much more cost effective it is to own your own house.  When you compare monthly payments, yeah, it probably is BUT when you compare overall costs, it's really not.

I bought my first house at the tender age of 23.  I was single and had just made E4.  I was anxious to move out of the base dorms and have more space and freedom.  As much as I loved moving into my first house, I think I would have waited.  I think I was a little blinded by the potential to receive more money just for living off-base.  Keep in mind, this was awhile before Housing Allowances were as (proportionally) high as they are now.  When I received my BAH, it covered only 3/4 of my living expenses.  My gross monthly pay was about $1400 and my monthly BAH was about $300.  After taxes and other deductions, my take-home was about $1100.  My mortgage was $840.  Plus there was the cost of Maslow's other needs, frivolities, and a credit card (or three).  I don't remember the cost of upkeep and maintenance but I do remember paying $2000 to remove five or six very large Fir trees from the yard because they were in close proximity to the house.

When I moved to Japan, for three years, I kept the house and an aunt moved into it.  She paid the utilities.  I paid for everything else.  Thankfully, my living expenses in Japan were covered by an Overseas Housing Allowance and a Utility Allowance but the stateside mortgage wasn't covered.  Even so, I was able to pay off the credit card debt that had followed me to Japan.  However, that victory was short-lived because, when I moved back to the States, the discontinuance of those Overseas Allowances cut my take-home by 25%.  I wasn't able to live in the dorms so I HAD to live off-base.  I found an apartment as soon as I got to Dover.  I also bought a car because, well, getting to/from work was important.  So, moving back Stateside netted me monthly rent, a car payment, and utilities again ALONG WITH the mortgage that I was still paying.

A year after I arrived in Delaware, I began looking for a new house to buy.  The high-density establishments (read: apartments) in Dover aren't great.  They are far overpriced for the amenities that you (DON'T) get.  My goal was to find a house that cost less than the combined payments of my mortgage and my rent.  That wasn't too difficult considering those two items totaled more than $1600.  I found a house, bought it using an 80/20 Conventional loan, and moved in during February 2007.  Thankfully, in the years between the two purchases, my gross pay had increased to $2600 per month and BAH to just under $500.

Two months after I moved in, I had eight windows replaced.  They were old, metal-framed storm windows and were super inefficient.  They cost me nearly $9000 but I imagine I've saved at least that amount in energy costs since the air isn't whooshing out giant "holes" in the walls.  That was the first of many expenses incurred for this house.

Since then, home improvement costs have ran the gamut:

$380 in 2010 to install ceiling fans in two bedrooms, install lighting in the attic, and reroute some electrical conduit.
$3130 in 2014 to install Gutter Guard on all the rain gutters (now debris goes over the gutter rather than getting stuck in it).
$1875 also in 2014 to make improvements to the a/c system that would not have been needed to be made if it had been installed correctly to begin with.
$2849 in 2015 to install wood-look tile in the kitchen, dining room, laundry room, 1st floor bathroom, and front entry.

That's more than $17,000 spent in just eight years and that doesn't include the revamp to my front yard where I replaced my postage stamp patch of grass with river rock and a short stone wall border.  I think that was another $2000 or $3000, back in 2013.

Those were all done while I was Active Duty and making a nice chunk of change.  That chunk changed when I retired in 2016.  My take-home income drop by 2/3 that year though, in 2017, it did increase some when my Disability kicked in but the maintenance and upkeep on the house has yet to slow down.

$4999 in 2016 on new attic windows (the old ones were the originals, I think) and roof repair.
$4926 in 2017 on new front and kitchen doors.

Having a 200 year old house makes for increased labor charges because NOTHING on the house is plumb.

So...that brings the total spent to about $30,000 in 12 years.  That doesn't include the $1600 to get rid of the termites in the cellar and wood-boring beetles in the attic in 2016.  Nor does it include the, roughly, $10,000 that I've spent on yard maintenance, replacement appliances, and other nit-noid repair and upkeep items.  That brings the total to more than $40,000.  I will share that I have additional preventative maintenance in the works.  My two a/c systems and my water heater are approaching the end of their lifespans.  Replacing them is next in the works.  That's another $15,000-$23,000 for everything.

I will concede that I do tend to choose to pay for great customer service and, therefore, might pay more than the average person for these things but, even if I chose the less-expensive options, it's still a chunk of money invested in the house.

None of these would be MY expenses in a rental.  With that, I'll never own again.  I would rather spend $40,000 on experiences and time with friends and family than on a house that isn't my final abode.

Wednesdays at Forty-Something: Letting Go Again

Well, here I am, four months after writing this post about my guy, writing about my fella.  Like my guy, he wasn't willing or able to give what I need.  My needs haven't changed from when I typed that last post.  Each of them wanted to give me what I need but, for their own reasons, they couldn't or chose to take care of other aspect of their lives.  There is nothing wrong with that.  It's a form of self-care and I totally understand.  Even if I don't like that I'm not the center of their universe (why, I don't know lol), I can understand having to take care of yourself.  Hell, even flight attendants tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping the person next to you.

So, I'm officially, completely, totally single again.  Haven't been here in almost two years but, really, when your relationships are long distance, it doesn't look that much different whether you're single or not.

I had originally planned a much longer post but, after reading the post from March, to do so would just be redundant.  I will add that I wish both men a contented future with challenges that shape them into the people that they aim to be.

On a separate note, I passed the Spring term with four As and two Bs and earned the Dean's List again.  My fourth time in four full-time terms and I'm aiming to complete both semesters of my Senior year of Undergrad in the same manner.  I know I'll achieve it, as focused as I get when I'm attending school.

Wednesdays at Forty-Something: Letting Go of What It's Supposed to Look Like

When I was a kid, I used to play dress up in my mom's old clothes.  I'd also play act various scenarios with my friends: cops & robbers, hide n seek, statues, etc.  With my female friends, we'd play that someone was getting married--which usually involved yanking flowers off the neighbor's beautiful flowering bush--or we'd play office or some other women/girl-centric scenario.

Never, though, did I imagine that I'd be this age in life and on my own.  It just seemed like everyone had a spouse and kids.  Even if parents were divorced, there was a step-parent in the picture, so the home was still fairly nuclear.  Keep in mind, the age that I'm referencing was still in single digits so it would be years before my own parents tore the family apart.

And here I am, 30 years after this play-acting took place...never been married; had kids but not a parent; pursuing an education that nobody in my immediate family--mom, dad, grandparents--did...or will, for that matter.  Both my brother and my dad have had multiple marriages.  My mom is still with the man that was "the straw" in a tall stack of hay for the camel that was my parent's marriage.  I think she stays with him because it's easier than learning to live on her own at 65.  THAT is a scary prospect when you've never lived on your own.

I've talked marriage with two men in my life; many, many years ago.  I'm thankful it didn't happen the last time because I'd be stuck in my hometown doing goodness knows what while he fished and hunted ALL.YEAR.ROUND.  I think that would be a more lonely existence than what I currently have; but I'm not sure.  We had a good relationship during the two years that we were together but I know I would have wanted more and I would have wanted out of Fresno.  Fresno is a hell-hole.

At nearly 42, I'm in love with two men.  They each do their best to show me but, I'm finding, that "best" doesn't always work for me.  On more than one occasion, I don't feel visible enough.  I need to be told that I'm missed, that I'm wanted, that I'm loved.  Hell, I need my texts and messages to be responded to in a timely manner.  Truly, not too much to want or need.  The hard part is when I realized that all the things that I do are not going to result in me getting the things that I need; and that I have to do something different if my needs are to be met.

The unfortunate thing is that I know what it is to regret a decision.  To give in to someone not wanting an aspect of the relationship and I let them go.  But...will I regret staying in this situation or will I regret letting it go?  I have to make the choice and, if the current situation isn't working and that's what the foreseeable future looks like, then I have to be the one to make the decision.

If I hear from them, I feel like I know they're thinking about me.  When you're involved with someone...when you love someone...you want to know that they think about you.  If you don't hear from them or otherwise have any indication, how can you know they're thinking about you?  I don't want to wonder any more.  Communication is more than a general sharing of memes on facebook.  It's more than liking a status or post.  It's conversation just between the two of you.  And it's initiated on either end; not just one.

I love you, guy, but I gotta let you go.  In this current state, we're not good for each other.  You're not giving me what I need and I'm going to always resent that.  I can't let that continue.  I want us to stay friends.  I don't want to reach a point where I think you're an asshole because you didn't give me what I need, even if it's just because you're don't have the capacity to do so right now.  Maybe our paths will cross again.  Who knows.

Wednesdays at Forty-Something: I'm Lonely...Every Day

Had a conversation yesterday that prompted me to make an appointment with Behavioral Health.  The first one is tomorrow, Feb 8th.  I don't know if I can really outline all the reasons why I chose to pursue this.  I see them all much like that compilation of labels for this blog, down on the bottom of the right side-bar: just a cloud of many different things that, depending upon what is drawing the most energy, may have one or two items that are more prominent than most.  But one thing that is constant is loneliness.  I am lonely every day of my life.  Not all day but, yes, every day.  The only time this isn't true is when I'm not at home.  

Nobody visits me at my home.  Unless I'm hosting a chanting session for/with my Buddhism family for the month.  Other than that, the mailperson is the only person who steps on my porch.  I do have one friend who has come to visit but since I haven't yet replaced the soiled mattress in the spare room, they haven't been able to.  So, other than when I hosted in November, my house has seen no visitors since early October.  Last night would be another exception.  Someone who is new to my Buddhism family hung out for a few hours when they dropped me off and we gabbed for a good three hours.  THAT makes me optimistic.

I was told that being lonely is a choice and that being alone is also a kind of choice.  Yes, from a perspective, I do choose these things.  I choose them because I get tired of having to be the one to go to other people's houses.  I get tired of never being invited over.  I get tired of having to go to a person's workplace to visit with them because they never come to mine.  I get tired when I realize that maybe I'm trying to maintain one-sided endeavors.

I was also told that I purposely chose to get involved with men whom I can see only part-time so that I don't have to fully commit.  I don't know if that is true or to what extent it may be true.  I know that I don't want to become so involved with someone that I lose myself; that I, like so many friends I've seen, have no single friends, only associate with other couples, and don't know what to do with myself if my partner/spouse isn't there to do it with me.  I don't need someone to complete me.  I don't NEED anyone.  I would like someone who complements me...someone who compliments me is nice too.  I WANT, I don't NEED.

None of this awareness makes me any less lonely.  When things get really low, I reach out...or, as it was described, I lash out.  This is true.  This reach out comes from such a place of pain that it's all I can do.  It's much like a wounded animal who wants to heal but bites at the hand trying to help.  Being lonely is just all I know.  Like people who experience chronic pain, who don't know what it's like to be pain-free, except for those rare and extremely brief moments when a pain medication works just right.

For me to really feel not lonely for an extended period time, I have to travel 1000 miles or more to the places where my best friends and family live.  Some of my friends tease me because I plan my trips so far in advance.  If you knew that you'd have a reprieve from your chronic discomfort, wouldn't you plan those moments meticulously?  Plan them so that you can get the most out of being pain free?  That is why I count down to my vacations and school breaks.  Those are the times that I'm not lonely.

The conversation that I recently had also had to do with their breakdown.  To a large extent, all I can focus on is how it made me feel.  It's not right.  This person didn't purposely do anything to cause me pain but it happened.  And I can't seem to get passed it.  They were coming to visit me--which, I might have mentioned, nobody does--and this visit was going to make that time of not being lonely last that much longer because I was just returning from a visit with family.  Their breakdown prevented this from happening and I spiraled.  I had built the happiness of the visit up so high in my mind that I was devastated when it didn't happen.  I blamed them.  I was angry beyond measure.  And they were in the midst of their own mental health crisis.  What kind of monster does that make me?  Well, none, really, but I still feel immense guilt.  I'm still angry that they didn't visit and I still can't get passed it.  I'm trying though.

Many people thrive on living on their own.  I do very well at it BUT I still need people in my life.  They're not the potatoes of my french fries but they ARE a multitude of condiments and don't condiments, of all kinds, make french fries better?  Visits from friends are the condiments of life.

I've lived by myself for 19 years.  I don't enjoy it.  I enjoy having my own space, yes, but to not have had visitors for the majority of those 19 years is miserable.  I'm working to change this but I can't make anyone visit me.  And, frankly, it gets exhausting to have to be the one to travel 1000 miles to visit friends and family.

Along the lines of loneliness, is the underlying thoughts of suicide.  I first considered it in 2010.  Valentine's Day, by no coincidence.  Once again, I had to leave the house to be around people.  And that contributed to me not going through with it.  I will tell you, though, not a day goes by...correction...not a NIGHT goes by that I don't consider it.  I don't do it though.  My practical side speaks up before anything happens.  

"You won't be found for DAYS"

"The cats'll eat you by day three"

"Who's gonna have to fly out to take care of everything?"

"This will just bother other people who don't have time to clean up after you"

...are just a few things that go through my mind.  Completely logical shit.  My aunt died and wasn't found for a week.  I really don't want to be the actual cause of that kind of situation in my life...well, in someone else's life anyway.  I'd be dead.

So, that's where I am in my life.  And those are two main things that have me pursuing therapy.  I feel like this onion needs to be peeled back.  I just hope the layers under the surface aren't rotten.

Wednesdays at Forty-Something: I Struggle

I think people outside my life might see a life of little complication.  And, to some extent, they'd be correct.  I don't have to worry about a spouse pissing me off for doing or thinking differently than me.  I don't have children that drive me up the wall with their crazy antics.  My cats are pretty easy going and are happy so long as they're fed and can lay next to me any time that I sit down.

But I struggle.  I struggle to balance the priorities in my life with maintaining the relationships that I do have.  I struggle to find friends who can deal with me in the ways that I've come to be.  Because of the things mentioned above, compromising is not something that I've had to do, really, ever in my adult life.  Everything has been done my way and, if not, well, I finagle it so that it will be done my way.  Or I don't do it.  Because, really, I am the center of my universe.  Why do anything that won't benefit me or that I don't want to do.

I'm not infallible though.  I do shit wrong all the time.  Especially communication.  With many, many years experience, I've learned how to phrase a question so that there is only one answer.  Honestly, this stems from the the annoyance that comes from asking someone a yes/no question and getting a freaking dissertation.  I don't need an explanation.  I just want the yes or no.  Unfortunately, I now use this technique often when I ask a question.

And, because I employed this technique numerous times, in order to get the answers that I wanted to hear, rather than what they were actually saying, I was called "a spoiled brat" and "petulant".  Unfortunately, not totally incorrect.  I've already said that things have to go my way and that I get pissy when they don't.  You know what, though, that's not all I am.  That's one part of me.  It's one part of me that tends to rear its head in the wee hours when I'm feeling like shit and missing people whom I love and wishing I was with them.

You can't control whom you love but you can control whom you allow to make you feel like shit when they get pissed off about something you said or did.  You teach people how to treat you and I've allowed this person to let me feel like shit because they get wounded with how we communicate when we're each feeling low.  I'm not dismissing the idea that I need to work on how I say things.  However, I won't be made to feel like shit by anyone, even someone whom I love.

Wednesdays at Forty-Something: Off to a Good Start

Things definitely got better from the latter part of October 2017 to the present.  Those six weeks at the end of Summer were a challenge that took some time to get beyond.  Despite all the hurdles that came up during that time, I was able to maintain my grades to such a level that I made Dean's List for the Fall 2017 term.  I'm quite proud of that, especially considering that I missed numerous days throughout the 14 week term.

This term, I anticipate doing even better.  My focus was split in too many directions during the last one and, after spending a wonderful weekend with my fella in his part of the country, I was able to come back refocused; or, more specifically, just focused.  After reading an article that came across my facebook feed about digging deeper into the things that you already have on hand or have already started to learn--Go Deeper, Not Wider--I decided to stop trying new things.  I've started many new things in the 18 months since I retired but I haven't gotten good at any of them.  I've bought so many books with the intention of reading them yet I have numerous untouched books on the shelves already.

I'm going to read those books.  I'm going to dig into the things that I've already started yet am nowhere near having mastered.  I'm going to focus on what is already IN my life rather than dragging more into it, in hopes that those things somehow change it and make it better than what it already is.

I'm going to, not necessarily be more present, but work even more to not "Click" my way through the moments that are currently happening.  If you've seen the Adam Sandler movie you'll know what I'm talking about.  I don't want to rush through the unpleasant things just because they're unpleasant.  I will dig into them to discover WHY they're unpleasant or WHAT the lesson is to be taken away from the situation.  I did that with the situation with Dominique.  Why did I go through that?  What really prompted me to make that choice?  The conclusion was an interesting one that I won't soon forget.

So, on the days that I'm able, I make a list of the things that I want to accomplish that day and each evening, I check off what is done.  It gives me a sense of accomplishment AND helps me to keep the focus on the things that really matter and on the things that will bring value to my life as well as keep me continuing down that path that brings me the most joy and contentment in my life.

It's through finding our own joy that we're able to share that with others because we attract what we think.  I want only positive vibes in my universe.