Tuesdays at Forty: More Entrenched Habits

About eight months ago, I wrote about habits that began when I was a kid.  In that post, it had to do with comfort food--you know, those foods that we turn to when shit gets rough--and how I developed my love of the ones that are mine.  In the more recent past, I started thinking about other habits that I've developed as a way to deal with situations that arose.  We all do it.  We all develop a mindset or activity to protect ourselves from emotional harm or disappointment or something similar.

What I've been most thinking about is how I protect myself from being hurt by someone whom I love or am emotionally attached to.  I've looked at this facet of me a number of times over the years, just trying to suss out why things happen the way that they do.  In my wonderings, I came across this post from about 18 months ago in October 2015, where I talk about some of the men whom I've given my heart to.  It never panned out with the one that is mentioned at the end.  To be honest, I don't even remember who it was.  Anyhow, in the post, I talk about how distance led to the demise of the various relationships.  And it did BUT I think I often downplayed how much that did to me.  When the relationships ended because of distance, I internalized it as that I was just somehow not enough to keep that person.  

Now, there is a different mindset if the person is still in the military and really has no say over where they live or where they move to but it's the other folks who are no longer in the military or were never in it, that really cemented me thinking this way about myself.  Brian chose to end the relationship because he didn't want a long distance one.  We were together for two years and had even talked about a future together.  I don't regret that we're no longer together but I have to wonder if he ever looked beyond what HE wanted (or didn't want, in this case) to realize that he could have, feasibly, moved to be near me.  Hell, my best friend did it and she was only 19 and had a two year old.  George moved back home to California so that he could be near his kids.  This one I get but, at the same time, I can't help but think about how he could have stayed.  (Yes, I'm occasionally selfish.)

Damien is the one that really--now that I'm able to truly step back and look at it--did a royal number on me.  Because he lied.  He deceived me by not telling me--for EIGHT months--that he had met someone.  Again, I understand meeting someone and connecting with them--this is not a totally foreign concept to me--but to have not told me and I end up finding out when the woman calls me on my VOIP (computer phone line)...that takes the cake.  We had talked a future.  We had talked marriage.  We had talked about "us" as a unit and he threw it in the trash.

So, because of the marriage talk with Brian, that didn't happen, and the marriage talk with Damien, that *really* didn't happen, I decided that I didn't want to get married.  Ever.  I told myself this even more when I saw all the shitty marriages that my coworkers appeared to have.  And, when I say "shitty" I'm talking about those men who would talk shit about their wives to those of us in their work environment.  I'm not referring to anyone who didn't talk bad about their wives.  I didn't want *that* kind of husband--one who talked shit about me--so I didn't want marriage.

It's kind of like when I was a kid and my family couldn't afford brand name clothing so I'd tell everyone that I didn't even like or want brand name clothing.  It was self preservation.  The truth is: I have nothing against marriage.  I've seen some really good marriages.  I'd love to have a marriage like that at some point in my future.  It's just easier to not want it.  Then I won't be disappointed.