Wednesdays at Forty-Something: Letting Go of What It's Supposed to Look Like

When I was a kid, I used to play dress up in my mom's old clothes.  I'd also play act various scenarios with my friends: cops & robbers, hide n seek, statues, etc.  With my female friends, we'd play that someone was getting married--which usually involved yanking flowers off the neighbor's beautiful flowering bush--or we'd play office or some other women/girl-centric scenario.

Never, though, did I imagine that I'd be this age in life and on my own.  It just seemed like everyone had a spouse and kids.  Even if parents were divorced, there was a step-parent in the picture, so the home was still fairly nuclear.  Keep in mind, the age that I'm referencing was still in single digits so it would be years before my own parents tore the family apart.

And here I am, 30 years after this play-acting took place...never been married; had kids but not a parent; pursuing an education that nobody in my immediate family--mom, dad, grandparents--did...or will, for that matter.  Both my brother and my dad have had multiple marriages.  My mom is still with the man that was "the straw" in a tall stack of hay for the camel that was my parent's marriage.  I think she stays with him because it's easier than learning to live on her own at 65.  THAT is a scary prospect when you've never lived on your own.

I've talked marriage with two men in my life; many, many years ago.  I'm thankful it didn't happen the last time because I'd be stuck in my hometown doing goodness knows what while he fished and hunted ALL.YEAR.ROUND.  I think that would be a more lonely existence than what I currently have; but I'm not sure.  We had a good relationship during the two years that we were together but I know I would have wanted more and I would have wanted out of Fresno.  Fresno is a hell-hole.

At nearly 42, I'm in love with two men.  They each do their best to show me but, I'm finding, that "best" doesn't always work for me.  On more than one occasion, I don't feel visible enough.  I need to be told that I'm missed, that I'm wanted, that I'm loved.  Hell, I need my texts and messages to be responded to in a timely manner.  Truly, not too much to want or need.  The hard part is when I realized that all the things that I do are not going to result in me getting the things that I need; and that I have to do something different if my needs are to be met.

The unfortunate thing is that I know what it is to regret a decision.  To give in to someone not wanting an aspect of the relationship and I let them go.  But...will I regret staying in this situation or will I regret letting it go?  I have to make the choice and, if the current situation isn't working and that's what the foreseeable future looks like, then I have to be the one to make the decision.

If I hear from them, I feel like I know they're thinking about me.  When you're involved with someone...when you love someone...you want to know that they think about you.  If you don't hear from them or otherwise have any indication, how can you know they're thinking about you?  I don't want to wonder any more.  Communication is more than a general sharing of memes on facebook.  It's more than liking a status or post.  It's conversation just between the two of you.  And it's initiated on either end; not just one.

I love you, guy, but I gotta let you go.  In this current state, we're not good for each other.  You're not giving me what I need and I'm going to always resent that.  I can't let that continue.  I want us to stay friends.  I don't want to reach a point where I think you're an asshole because you didn't give me what I need, even if it's just because you're don't have the capacity to do so right now.  Maybe our paths will cross again.  Who knows.