Tuesdays at Forty: Always Learning Something New About Myself

For the longest time, like, up until about 15 minutes ago, I believed that I was difficult to get to know.  You know what?  I'm not.  I'm very easy to get to know.  Some people may have to take a little more time to adjust to the me that is me but that's on them.  I have believed that I'm difficult to get to know for as long as I can remember and, really, I'm just not.

I'm loyal.  I'm tenderhearted.  I'm considerate.  Granted, I may not approach situations the way that some would but that doesn't make me "difficult".  That makes me "different"...from them.  I often speak my mind but not always.  My expressions do a lot of talking for me.  Because of this, I try to be mindful of what I'm thinking so as to not hurt the feelings of someone in case they interpret puzzlement as judgement.  Most of the time I'm thinking "I don't get it" and they might see "You're an idiot"; and, to be fair, that is sometimes what I'm actually thinking.  But, I'm honest.  I don't see the point in lying and, really, it's just easier to tell the truth.  It's so much easier to remember what is true than what is not.

I'm scared sometimes.  I have two very real fears.  1) That I'll die like my aunt and not be found for a week...like my aunt; and 2) That I'll be forgotten, by those whom I hold dear.  Having a legacy, of sorts, is important to me.  I want to leave a positive mark on the world.  I want to remembered for the good that I've done, whatever it might be.  I can hope and work towards making a positive change in my own life in ways that others note positive things in their lives because of me.

I'm not afraid to love.  I'm not afraid to be hurt, emotionally.  Wounds heal.  I can say this with the luxury of having never been in an abusive relationship.  I hope I never encounter a situation, like that, that makes me afraid to love or to let others in.  And I take heart in knowing that I've never put anyone through an abusive relationship.  I hope.  I have manipulated in the past but I think that was due to being young and seeing that in relationships that were modeled for me.  I strive very earnestly, in my current relationships, to not employ manipulative tactics.  I ask for things out of genuine need and I do things out of genuine desire to do well and good for the people that I love.  And I hope, in time, the men that I love can love me back to the best of their ability.  I don't know if love matches love in relationships.  I know that it can wax and wane and is often in flux.  There's nothing wrong with that.  You have to make room for growth and learning.

I'm constantly looking at things in my life and asking: How can I do better?  It doesn't mean that I always take the steps needed to make them better but I am always looking at what can be done.  Sometimes, I'm overwhelmed at the things ahead of me and other times, I'm energized by them.  It really does run a path of hills and valleys.

As for my men.  I love my "sexy fella" and recognize the limitations in our relationship and I love my "Em Ess" and hope that we can move forward as we've been doing so far.  Having them in my life inspires me to pursue my authentic self and any and all the passions that I've been wanting to for years.  Much as my bestest friends have for years.

Excited for the tomorrows in my life.  And a little scared too.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Tuesdays at Forty: Looking Forward Instead of Back

I've done so many posts about looking at where I've come from or what has shaped my behavior that I decided to look forward on this one.  I'm very excited to be closing in on the last month of my first full time term at college.  It was a challenge in many ways.  Not just financially but it has tested my ability to handle four classes at once and all the work that goes with those classes.  On many days, I've gotten a bit overwhelmed by the thought of all the stuff that I needed to do that I just retreated to my bed.  I wouldn't be surprised, if a few of my migraines may have been attributed to this stress.  Last June, I wrote about something similar occurring while I was in middle school in this post.

I found, though, that once I got started, the work wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It was just that getting started part.  Many of us go through similar issues just getting to the gym--the hardest part is getting dressed.  Anyhow, I'm doing very well in three of my classes.  The fourth one, I'm getting a C--totally bombed the midterm BUT I negotiated three answers and brought my grade up enough points to be in the next letter grade for it.

The registration period for the fall term is in a couple weeks and that's going to be an anxious yet exciting time.  I've already picked a few courses that I'd like to take.  I have four decided upon and three alternates if the first four are already full.  Once registration is complete, I won't have to do much until the end of August.

I'm also trying to strengthen my relationships with folks that I meet through Team RWB and my SGI Buddhism groups.  These two groups are helping me to actually do the things that I mentioned above--tackling the work as it comes--just by getting me out of the house and getting some perspective on my various life situations and showing me how others are dealing with things in their lives.

I'm also feeling really optimistic about what my "love life" has in store for me.  I've written a number of posts about how things have been working in that department.  I love my fella and, thankfully, it's not that wacky mess of emotions that it was three, four months ago.  It's more like a warm glow--embers that are banked but not extinguished.

The other gentleman that I spent Spring Break with was more than expected, in a good way.  I say that because I really didn't anticipate having such a great connection.  To some extent, I'm quite grateful that nothing really developed between us during the first few years that we knew each other.  I don't think it would have been as easy or as comfortable to just be in each other's presence if anything had come about back then.  He's quite the chivalrous fellow and treated me awesomely.  He has his flaws which I won't really go into because I haven't encountered any deal breakers at this point.

I'm even thinking of spending my birthday down that way.  I can't think of a better way to spend it; unless it was like last year where my birthday lasted the whole month of May and I spent it with pretty much all my friends and family along the way.  If I could figure out a way to do both, that would be epic.  Maybe in a couple years, if I move down to Florida, I can get everyone to come my way.

Tuesdays at Forty: More Entrenched Habits

About eight months ago, I wrote about habits that began when I was a kid.  In that post, it had to do with comfort food--you know, those foods that we turn to when shit gets rough--and how I developed my love of the ones that are mine.  In the more recent past, I started thinking about other habits that I've developed as a way to deal with situations that arose.  We all do it.  We all develop a mindset or activity to protect ourselves from emotional harm or disappointment or something similar.

What I've been most thinking about is how I protect myself from being hurt by someone whom I love or am emotionally attached to.  I've looked at this facet of me a number of times over the years, just trying to suss out why things happen the way that they do.  In my wonderings, I came across this post from about 18 months ago in October 2015, where I talk about some of the men whom I've given my heart to.  It never panned out with the one that is mentioned at the end.  To be honest, I don't even remember who it was.  Anyhow, in the post, I talk about how distance led to the demise of the various relationships.  And it did BUT I think I often downplayed how much that did to me.  When the relationships ended because of distance, I internalized it as that I was just somehow not enough to keep that person.  

Now, there is a different mindset if the person is still in the military and really has no say over where they live or where they move to but it's the other folks who are no longer in the military or were never in it, that really cemented me thinking this way about myself.  Brian chose to end the relationship because he didn't want a long distance one.  We were together for two years and had even talked about a future together.  I don't regret that we're no longer together but I have to wonder if he ever looked beyond what HE wanted (or didn't want, in this case) to realize that he could have, feasibly, moved to be near me.  Hell, my best friend did it and she was only 19 and had a two year old.  George moved back home to California so that he could be near his kids.  This one I get but, at the same time, I can't help but think about how he could have stayed.  (Yes, I'm occasionally selfish.)

Damien is the one that really--now that I'm able to truly step back and look at it--did a royal number on me.  Because he lied.  He deceived me by not telling me--for EIGHT months--that he had met someone.  Again, I understand meeting someone and connecting with them--this is not a totally foreign concept to me--but to have not told me and I end up finding out when the woman calls me on my VOIP (computer phone line)...that takes the cake.  We had talked a future.  We had talked marriage.  We had talked about "us" as a unit and he threw it in the trash.

So, because of the marriage talk with Brian, that didn't happen, and the marriage talk with Damien, that *really* didn't happen, I decided that I didn't want to get married.  Ever.  I told myself this even more when I saw all the shitty marriages that my coworkers appeared to have.  And, when I say "shitty" I'm talking about those men who would talk shit about their wives to those of us in their work environment.  I'm not referring to anyone who didn't talk bad about their wives.  I didn't want *that* kind of husband--one who talked shit about me--so I didn't want marriage.

It's kind of like when I was a kid and my family couldn't afford brand name clothing so I'd tell everyone that I didn't even like or want brand name clothing.  It was self preservation.  The truth is: I have nothing against marriage.  I've seen some really good marriages.  I'd love to have a marriage like that at some point in my future.  It's just easier to not want it.  Then I won't be disappointed.

Tuesdays at Forty: Breathing a Little Easier

You don't realize how stressful life can be if there isn't enough money until you're really and truly experiencing it.  And, when you get a little bit extra and are able to breathe again, you realize just how much it was impacting your health, both mentally and physically.

My GIBill stipend (and book allowance) came the second week of February.  Until then, I was existing off just under $1700/mo.  October, November, and December it was a little more because of all the hours that I was putting in at my part-time but I was also spending 50% of *that* check on gas.

I know I've alluded to how difficult life on retirement pay is (and I sure as hell can't imagine how more than one person can live off that amount--my hat is off to you!) but let me give you the breakdown (yep, totally sharing my business but it's my business to share):

Pay (once a month): $1637

Mortgage: $845

Electric: $84 (budget billing)

Natural Gas: $70 (also budget billing)

Water/trash: $40 (they bill quarterly but I pay monthly to make it easier)

Auto Ins: $56.15

Life Ins: $15

Internet: $56.99

Flooring: $26 (installed in October)

Out of the remainder (about $400), I had to pay for gas, groceries, two credit card bills (spent more than $9k on Jeep repair bills last year), and miscellaneous. 

So, you can see why getting through each month was often nail-biting.  

I received my January housing stipend mid-February because I was "new to the system" and they needed to actually input me into it and February's came on time, a few days ago.  Just having that little bit extra is awesome.

As for my love life, it's doing pretty well.  I still talk to my fella daily via text.  It's been more than a month since my visit but I'm feeling less anxious than I was the first month that he was gone.  I think we're just kind of used to this new normal now.  I've also reached a point where I'm not overwhelmed with emotions.  I *choose* to love him.  

I'm also looking forward to seeing how well me and another fella mesh.  We had great rapport years ago--when we would bug the shit out of each other--and I'm hoping it's better than then.  He's a sexy, smart, funny man that I wouldn't mind being involved with, albeit long distance (as well :( ).

There are a couple others whom I've befriended.  Just trying to see how things work out.  I don't just hop in the sack with just anyone these days.  (My 20s were a whole different story but that was 20 years ago.)  

Tuesdays at Forty: Eight Months Into Military Retirement

...And I'm still adjusting.

This month feels like it's going to be one of just kind of treading water--not drowning but not making any big headway as far as paying for the big bills.  I received a gift last month that enabled me to go visit my fella and I think that visit did us both some good.  I *do* wish I was still there, if only so that he had someone he could decompress with after work, but we're making do.

And, just a day or so ago, I decided to go ahead and take advantage of some cheap airline rates and I'm heading to Florida for Spring Break.  Never gone on a Spring Break vacation before so I anticipate some good fun.  I plan to visit one friend whom I haven't seen in many years.  We worked together, here at Dover, and gave each other a lot of shit back then.  We've given each other less shit, nowadays, but I think that was because we kind of lost contact.  That situation was remedied a few weeks ago and I'm hoping that our friendship becomes one of those that deepens in time.  Good friends are hard to find.

After I visit him, I'll be heading over to the other side of the state to visit another friend (and his family).  His place was a stayover during my trip through the south last spring.  We've been friends for more than a decade now.  I count him as one of my closest male friends.  He's married but I keep telling him "If you were in an open marriage and poly..."  lol.

More fun in my life: Physical Therapy.  Last fall, it was for my shoulder.  This time, it's for my IT Band across my left hip.  It hurts after I run which then makes it difficult to run again and I enjoy running--aside from that pain--so I need to get it fixed.

And, finally, the "best" fun in my life: Waiting for the VA to get through with my disability shit.  I called them yesterday, three weeks after they got the last little detail that they needed from me, to see about my claim.  Estimated time for claim completion: December 29, 2017.  It's February 2nd today.  Now, I realize that others have been waiting eons for their claims to get processed and I'm not minimizing their shit.  It's unacceptable all around!!  For anyone to have to wait a freaking year is ridonkulous.  I can understand a month or two; maybe three but almost a year.  Stupid!!

Tuesdays at Forty: It's Not As Easy As It Sounds

I wrote a post nearly two weeks ago about being "poly" in nature and I don't want folks to think that it's as easy as it sounds.  Being able to love more than one person at a time doesn't mean that my heart isn't aching for the one whom I can't see right now.  Granted, I have plans to see him next weekend but subsequent visits are unplanned at this point because we both know that life has a tendency to get in the way.

But, right now, I miss him so much that it hurts.  For the past month (Friday was 30 days and YES, I'm counting), I've hated not knowing that our paths will cross at the gym or that I'll see him for dinner on our "usual" dinner night or for breakfast one day on the weekend.  I miss seeing his smile in person.  I miss him giving me crap when I say something silly.  I miss so many little things.  I don't tell him half the shit I'm thinking because I don't want to overwhelm him with my emotions.

And, holy shit, emotions!!!  When you just have a crush on someone, it's so much easier.  When you're not in love with someone, it's so much easier. You can keep all those emotions all bottled up and never worry that you'll say too much.  But, when you've got this new thing going on--some circles call it, very aptly: New Relationship Energy (NRE)--then your emotions are all over the place.

"What's he doing?"
"Where's he going today?"
"How does he feel?"
"Will we see each other today?"
"Damn! He looks good!"
"Aw, he brought me my favorite beverage."

Falling in love with him was super easy but navigating the whole spectrum of emotions is not for the faint of heart.  I had forgotten how all over the place you can be.  And I do my best to not blow up his phone with "thinking of you messages".  I'm succeeding at that...most of the time.  lol.  I'm also doing my best to take things one step at a time.  In the past, it just hasn't worked out for me and I think I'm in this big hurry to get to a point of knowing whether things are going to work out for us or not instead of just enjoying the journey.  Though, the journey sometimes feels like a big waiting game when I don't have a busy day and he does and so I don't hear from him very often.

I also, unfairly, test him; in more ways than I realize and I'm embarrassed that I do so.  I know that I can't keep doing it; that it really will bite me in the ass and he will call it quits just so he doesn't have to deal with my untrained heart any more.  I want him to make plans for when he'll come see me and, really, neither one of us knows what we'll be doing in four, five, six months which is the soonest that that would happen.

And I get so angry about it.  Angry at circumstances.  Angry at him.  Angry at his job that made him move.  Angry at the unfairness of it all.  Angry that he won't make any plans.  Angry that he won't do whatever it is, at that moment, that I wish he would do.

But, then, I get not angry and see the true flipside of things.  He had no control over leaving.  He HAD to go.  Him not being in my town actually makes it easier for me to focus on school work and taking the other classes that I'm taking: ballet and Tai Chi.  He works really long hours and then does stuff on the weekends so our time together was really limited but I can see me getting frustrated with that as time goes by.  And that part wouldn't change for a couple years.

I'm guess I'm also angry at the fact that he showed me what nice guys really are like (even when they have that balance of having various flaws to balance out the niceness: sarcasm, tunnel vision to the point of exclusion when focused on something, etc) and then "took it away" so to speak.  And, I gotta be honest, the nekid games were out of this world.  It's been a long time since my world was rocked so well and so thoroughly.  And now I don't have that either.

I think I may have to loosen the grip that I think I have on the situation.  I don't know how but I have to do something.  I don't want to lose him.

I just want to make it with him.

Tuesdays at Forty: Growth and Learning All Around (The College Aspect)

Last week, I started school...again...full time.  For me, this is huge.  I've been taking college classes since just after I graduated high school.  Graduated HS in June 1994, started classes in August 1994.  I think I was full time then, too, because I remember taking three or four at that time.  The regular stuff that college freshmen take: Math, English, etc.  I remember also taking the very difficult class of "Weight Lifting".  It had replaced Accounting because that shit was hard!  lol.

I took more college classes during my 20 years in the Air Force but rarely more than one at a time and almost never more than two a year.  The plus side to that: I don't need to take but one or two of those lower level courses now.  The downside: I still have to take one or two of those lower level courses now.

So...what have I noticed that might be different or the same about my classmates then and now.  Well, the biggest is that THEN we were the same age.  NOW, not so much.  90% of them are young enough to be my offspring.  But, I think this is a good thing.  They can share what they know that I don't which is much since it's a whole different world from when I was in my late teens and early 20s.  I can share my oodles of life experience with them.

I went in search of some headline topics from the 90s and here's what I found (in no particular order):

• Tonya Harding had Nancy Kerrigan clubbed in the knee (ice skating competition was FIERCE back then)
• The OJ Simpson trial
• Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky ("I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman" or something like that)

Read more of them here: 19 Things You Probably Forgot Happened in the '90s

2016, alone, was all kinds of topsy turvy and I don't know that there can be any sort of comparison; mainly because we're in a different mindset and have different perspectives on things than we would have almost a generation ago.

Anyhow, the differences are many but you know what we have in common: BOOKS! 

For the love of all that runs this universe, college books are getting bigger.  I swear!  I'm taking only four classes.  One requires a workbook so, for that class, I have two books.

My stack:

The spiral bound is for a computer class and the black book holds all my notepads.

The other difference between me and my classmates: I don't think they share my enthusiasm for the freedom of being able to attend class; to learn these new topics; to take in this knowledge that I know is relevant, even if only in part.

I'm excited for this adventure.

And, what's even more exciting, being able to wear anything and everything in my wardrobe without having to conform to uniform/dress code rules.  I imagine the school has a general dress code but I don't imagine that anything in MY wardrobe would be against it.  lol.  

Finally, it wouldn't have been a "Back to School" without "Back to School Pictures" so here you go:

I must go now.  I have homework.  😄
Read the other Growth and Learning Aspect post here.

Tuesdays at Forty: Growth and Learning All Around (The Poly Aspect)

It's been only a couple of months since I fell in love again, for the first time in years; and almost a month since that love moved out of state.  We're separated, geographically, but ours "feels" for each other are the same.  We didn't end the relationship and we're taking it as it comes, letting it go where it will like a newly forming river.  What makes this easier, for me, is that while I miss him like crazy, he's not the only person in my life or, at least, he doesn't have to be.  I've found that the polyamorous lifestyle works for me.  I can date.  I can get involved with someone else.  And it doesn't take away from my love for him.  To not have the obligation to deny baser needs of affection and touch while someone I love is so far away is such a relief.

I know that this kind of dynamic isn't for everyone.  Our society is based upon one man and one woman finding each other and being with each other forever.  Society is changing but the assumption of only two people being in a relationship is still very much there.  More recently, it's accepted for those two people to have similar equipment.  But the thought of having relationships outside of that is "odd" or "weird" or "whatever."

I do have say this: When I say "polyamorous", I'm not meaning "poly'eff'ory" in which folks are sleeping around all willy nilly.  That might play a part in it.  Someone who is poly might have an "Eff Buddy" but so might someone who is monogamous in nature.  A poly person might also have a "Friend w/Benefits" in which friends, who hang out, might also be intimately involved.  Again, this isn't just poly folks.  Mono folks do this too.

To be poly, is so much more, and can require more skills to do.  I say "skills" because time management is KEY to ensuring all parties see each other as their needs require and communication is employed to the nth degree.  I wouldn't have seen my fella as often as I did, before he moved, had we both not used these concepts extensively.  You also need to have a level of self-awareness to be able to evaluate if something is or isn't working for you.  As much as a lot of "regular" relationships run off of assumption, you just can't do that in a poly dynamic.  I can't expect my fella to know my time needs or limits without me being aware of them myself.  On the flip side, those needs and limits require a measure of respect because they are part of the framework of the relationship.

So, moving on to those needs...

I realized very shortly after he moved that I didn't want to go back to the scenario that was my life before he and I started dating.  I didn't want to not go out on dates just because the one that I'm involved with isn't in my town any more.  Someone in a monogamous relationship would have a couple choices: break up with them so that they could date again, cheat and hope they never find out, or not date at all.  I like the choices that I have which are those already stated PLUS: love them him from afar and see him when I can AND date someone else.  I'll take option D any day of the week.  You know what this does?  It takes the term "cheating" out of the equation.  In a healthy poly relationship, there is no cheating.  And why should you have to choose between whom you love and whom you might grow to love?  Do BOTH!!

Now, I'm not saying that this is easy.  There are a lot of societal norms that we are conditioned to do or not do and it takes time to learn or unlearn them.  And that's where I'm at.

The (un)learning continues...

got this from facebook

Read the other Growth and Learning Aspect here.

Tuesdays at Forty: Love Just Happened So Easily This Time

Our paths first crossed virtually.  We met online more than a year ago and messaged for months before moving on to texting.  We met in person about six months ago.  Just breakfast at a local diner.  There were no expectations.  We were just looking to meet/make a new friend.  A few weeks later, we had a late lunch/early dinner.  Texting in between the whole time.
"How's work?"  "Busy with some knuckleheads."
"What are you doing this weekend?"  "Headed out to NJ for a tournament.  You?"  "Working at the mall and then hanging with some friends."

Just everyday innocuous stuff.  Then we started seeing each other more often.  And he would say or do  stuff that was totally disarming: "You said you liked that movie so I brought you this one 'cause I think you'll like it."  Or "What do you want me to bring for drinks?" "I like X, Y, and Z." And he'd bring something of each of X, Y, and Z.  Now, I know this seems like normal, courteous stuff but the fellas that I've dated just don't do this.  They're always looking out for number one: themselves.  And they'll say stuff that makes you wonder what sort of game they're playing.  It's like Stratego or Chess in the dating world nowadays.

This man doesn't play mental games...at all.  It's wonderful.  It's refreshing.  I don't have to wonder how he feels about me.  I don't have to wonder what he's doing when he's not with me.  I don't have to wonder if he's just in it for one thing and one thing only.  And it was so easy to just fall in love with that: his courtesy, his kindness, the fact that he digs me (in all venues lol), his sexiness, his sensuality, his intelligence.  And on and on and on.

I'd forgotten how easy it was to really love someone.  To know that if you saw something that made you think of them and you then showed them that thing, people who care about you aren't going to make fun of you or express disdain or indifference.  They'll show that they appreciate that you were thinking of them.

And they'll tell you that they'll miss you if you guys end up going your separate ways for whatever reason.  Because they actually give a shit about you.

It's wonderful to love someone and not have to be on guard mentally, emotionally, physically.  To just love them and know that they have love for you.

I'm totally sunk and it's wonderful and delicious and refreshing.  And 12 years is a long time to have not had it.

More please.

**It's been a day or so since I wrote this but I wanted to add that I'd also forgotten how *easy* it is to love someone when you don't have to be on your guard.  He's not perfect; nor am I; but to love what I've seen and heard and experienced with this man just requires no effort.  When a person isn't afraid of your emotions and can take them in stride, even if he's not on the same page, is what I'm digging the most.  I'm able to just be and that is what keeps me drawn to him.

Tuesdays at Forty: A Week to Catch Up

I took this week off.  No work up at the mall though I'll put in a few hours at Acorn Books on Saturday.  There's a few projects that I've been putting off that I was able to make some good progress on this week.
This:

And this:

Have become these (still in progress):

And then there's this:

That's about 500 pages of printed medical records--a task that took more than seven hours on my little printer--for my VA claim submission in two weeks.  I still have another 1200 pages to print out.  The rest will have to wait until I have more paper because I ran out shortly after typing this.

I also took numerous things to the Goodwill that had been cluttering up the house.  Yep, still purging stuff.  Sometimes, you set things to the side with plans to sell them on a local facebook yard sale page or repurpose them but those actions never seem to happen.  SO, you have to do something.  I was tired of looking at them.

I finally go the roof repair estimate that I was satisfied with and pushed forward with that.  Just need to make the down payment and then they'll order the materials.  Before winter hits, I'll have no more leaks.  I also made arrangements for further flooring replacement in the entryway, the downstairs bathroom, and the laundry room.  They'll match the kitchen and dining room floors.  That'll be done the first week of November.  One more box checked off the "Things to Repair Before Selling in Three Years" list.

Got my school application submitted.  GIBill submitted.  Just waiting to hear from each agency so that I can move forward with school and getting classes scheduled.

There were other, little things, that got done around the house this week.  It was just a matter of having the uninterrupted time to do them.  I even rearranged the living room.  Something that hadn't been done in three years.  I found nearly a dozen cat toys under the TV cabinet.  I wonder how long it will be before they're all lost again.  :)

I'm still working on getting the spare room cleared of stuff that doesn't need to be in there.  It's kind of difficult.  It's the place where I put the stuff from all the other rooms that doesn't belong in *those* rooms--kind of the last landing pad before I really make a decision.  lol  It'll get there.  If people came to my house, they would NEVER say that I have a lot of stuff.  lol.

Have a good week!

Tuesdays at Forty: Living Life or Just Getting Through It?

Thankfully, September has had fewer repairs than July and August so that is a distinct plus; however, now I'm just kind of treading water.  I look at the things that I need to do and then I look at my budget and the list of things to do gets considerably shorter.  I'm still making adjustments to various aspects as I adjust to my retired life.  Truth be told, it is quite difficult to go from making $4400/mo to less than $2000/mo, especially when Murphy made a two month long visit.  The good news is that I'm putting in more hours at White House Black Market--pretty much every shift that I'm available, I have a shift--which is good because that's more money in the bank BUT I need to further refine my budget to accommodate the increased gas expenses.
I did submit my GIBill application yesterday and, next week, I'll be submitting my application to become a full time student at Wesley.  Things are looking up.  It'll be good to get back into some sort of routine and learning new things.
With the strain of the finances, I continue to put one foot in front of the other and do my best to adapt to this new life condition.  And I'm grateful for the pension that I have and the part time job that augments it.

Tuesdays at Forty: Does Anyone Have a Life Preserver So That I Can Continue to Not Drown?

Seven weeks since I first wrote about the money "fun" and it hasn't let up.  I'm really starting to get pissed at Murphy.  He's definitely overstayed his welcome.  After the Jeep service at the beginning of July, I then got my air conditioners serviced.  I have dual zone a/c and each "zone" has two large components--an evaporator and a condenser (thank you, Google).  Well, the upper zone needed a capacitor in each component.  Those capacitors aren't cheap, that's for sure.  Though, to be fair, they are cheaper than what the government would have paid.  lol.  But that was $500 just three weeks after spending a good chunk of change on the Jeep.  Followed up by $1600 spent on pest control services for termites and wood-boring beetles.  During the a/c servicing, it was discovered that I have a leak in my roof.  Three days later, during a rain storm, I discovered a second leak.  Preliminary estimates are $5000 to repair those and replace the attic windows that are long overdue on replacement.  Ugh!!

On the up side, I was able to refi my mortgage and get a rate reduction of more than 1% so that is cool beans.  I also swapped my Long Term Care Insurance from monthly payments to annual payments.  Those two things will save me $1200 and $200 a year, respectively; as well as free up enough money, monthly, that I can look into getting a newer vehicle.  Not NEW, just newer (and younger).

So, I'm still going.  The stress hasn't let up but I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Tuesdays at Forty: The "New Normal" is now Just "Normal"

Things are just rolling along.  My stress level has decreased significantly or maybe I'm just handling it better.  Numerous other expenses and projects have presented themselves but I just take a look at what takes precedence and move on from there.  Case in point: Got the Jeep maintenance taken care of and now I discover I have termites in my cellar and wood-boring beetles in my attic, as well as two leaks in my roof.  The pest control guy is here, now, as I type this, spraying all kinds of good stuff to kill the little bastards.  I have a few roof guys coming out this week and next to provide me with estimates to get the leaks taken care of.  They're also giving me quotes for the attic windows that need replacing.

I also contacted my mortgage company about refinancing my house.  It's not underwater any more and rates are lower than my current rate so I figured: Why not?  The worst they can say is: No.  And, actually, the Chase guy said I'm good to go--thank you, high credit score and decent equity--so now I'm just waiting their cogs to do what needs to be done and see what rate I get.  I'm aiming for 3.5%--a full 1% less than what I have.  That would save me about $100 a month on the payment.  I opted to pay points to get as low an interest rate as possible and roll the cost for doing so into the mortgage.  I don't plan on being here more than another three years so I'm not too concerned about the reset to another 30 year loan.  And, if I decide that renting out the house is easier, initially, than selling, I'll have that much more cushion between my payment and the monthly rent while keeping the (potential) renter's payment fairly low.

Anyhow, I think there are two specific things contributing to me handling my stress better: I'm taking better care of myself (eating better and getting in more physical activity) and I'm parking my butt in front of my gohonzon more regularly.  You just don't know what it means to get yourself straight with yourself with daily chanting sessions until you're not doing it.  I don't recommend not doing it.  Nichiren Buddhism is vital to me.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Tuesdays at Forty: Is it Really "Comfort Food" if it Stresses You Out?

I had so many ideas for my next blog post that I ended up writing none of them...until now.  This one is a result of a few experiences that have happened to me recently and/or decisions that I've made in the not so distant past i.e. in July that have culminated in one topic.  I've been purposely avoiding writing any posts about food or weight loss or anything in that vein but this facet of the subject seemed so very relevant to my new normal that I couldn't avoid it any longer.

What am I talking about?  Well, I've lost physical strength.  I've also been experiencing food allergies.  These two things, together, have cemented my decision to make changes.  The remedy for loss of strength is pretty cut and dried.  I'm back in the gym, hitting the free weights and doing some cardio to get the stamina built up in my heart again.  My food allergies are little bit different in how they present; though, I guess, that remedy is pretty obvious too: Quit eating them.  Anyhow, I don't get sick or anything with these allergies.  What I get is large cystic acne on my neck, right under my jawline.  They're not whiteheads.  They're not blackheads.  They are just large bumps that hurt and won't go away until I remove the contaminant from my system i.e. quit eating the shitty foods.  Which I've been doing.

So, that's one portion of the brain waves that have gone into this post.  The other has been me reading "The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg.  This book talks about, obviously, habits.  How they're created, how they, essentially, maintain themselves, and how they get broken.  So, how does this relate to my food allergies?  Because of my "go to" foods.  If you're a "stress eater" or "emotional eater", you have them too.  They are your food habits.  Your reaction to stress habits.  Your "everything" habits.  Did you ever stop to think how they came to be your "go to" foods?  I recently did.

My foods are: Red Vines, cookie dough, ice cream, and jelly beans or Mike n Ikes.  I love them but eating them stresses me out further because I know candy isn't good for me (or anyone), I'm allergic to dairy (in fairly traditional ways--I start to feel ooky), and I'm allergic to grains (hence the cystic acne).  But I started wondering WHY I eat those particular foods when stuff is going on in my life.  Red Vines was pretty easy.  My grandpa and my aunt used to go to Costco and buy the big tub of them and bring it by the house when I was a kid--single digit age, not teenager.  Jelly beans and Mike n Ikes are things that I just like the mechanics of eating--a task that takes a little time but soothes me with its habit.  The cookie dough was a little bit more difficult to figure out.  I've been eating it, periodically, for decades.  And, until a couple weeks ago, never realized why or that it was only during certain times in my life.

The serious, deep pondering of it came about after having a conversation with one friend, whom I was telling that I needed to get my physical strength back up and about my food allergies but whom I've known for only a year or two; and after having a different perspective of the same conversation with my best friend of more than 20 years.  It didn't come to me until after I had hung up the phone with her though.

A little background on me to give you a better understanding of where I'm coming from, as well as show how my habit developed.  My parents split when I was in middle school.  The summer before my Freshman year, we moved out of the house that I had grown up in to one that was in the school district that my mom was going to have me attend (by my choice, thankfully).  It was me, her, and her boyfriend (and still long-time fella of almost 27 years).  Previously, it was me, Mom, and my brother.  Dad was in the military and came home on weekends.

Anyhow, when we moved, out standard of living seemed to go down.  When I was a kid, I remember having cookies and other snacks in the house all the time.  It wasn't like that when I was a teenager.  Now, to be fair, I may have just eaten what was there so fast, that I don't remember that we actually had them.  I do remember that the fridge was NEVER full of food; but it did ALWAYS have Budweiser, Bud Light, and condiments in it.  There was always cigarettes too--Kent Kings, never 100s and I have no idea why since I've never smoked.  There was always meat in the freezer 'cause her boyfriend worked for a meat company.  I feel like I remember my after school snacks being slices of bread that I would roll into a ball and pop into my mouth or a cold hotdog.  I just don't remember any other snacks.  On occasion, though, Mom would buy some Pilsbury cookie dough.  This was only when we had a little extra money.  Mind you, we weren't poverty level.  I always had clothes and shoes when I needed them.

Let's do a little math (which might be skewed because I can't go back in time to check prices) for a week's worth of consumption:
12 pack of Bud Light (in 1990) maybe $5 (x7)
12 pack of Budweiser (in 1990) same $5 (x7)
Carton of Kent Kings (in 1990) maybe $10 (x1)
That's $80 a week spent on these "staple" items.  I remember doing the math with more accurate numbers about 20 years ago and it worked out to be about $5000/year spent.  That being said, it was always such a big deal when Mom got me some cookie dough.  It meant that we had that little bit extra to "splurge" and that we were going to be okay...in my 14 year old mind.

Fast forward ten years, having just bought my first home the year prior and going through some tough (aka tight budget) times.  What has become a staple in my freezer?  Cookie dough.  Fast forward another five years.  I have that first mortgage in WA state, apartment rent in DE, and a car payment.  What did I eat a lot of?  Cookie dough.  Now, present day (but a year ago), I have retirement coming up which means my income is going to drop significantly, my credit card has taken a beating as I threw all I can at my Home Equity Loan because USAA extended me an offer that they would match 50% of every dollar that I paid, up to $6000 between Nov 2013 and Oct 2014.  You can bet that I paid an extra $12,000 on that HEL so that I could net an $18,000 paydown.  Anyhow, the card got a lot of use because I threw all my extra cash at the HEL.  What has, once again, become a staple?  Cookie dough.  I didn't buy it when my budget wasn't tight.  I was going out and doing stuff and having fun.  I didn't need to "splurge" on cookie dough.  It was the fun that I was having when I couldn't go out and have fun because I couldn't afford it.

When I realized this connection, that I was using cookie dough as an indicator that things were going to be okay, I cried.  I cried because, after 20+ years, I finally saw WHY I turned to it.  And, now that I've realized it, I don't turn to it any more.  I don't need this chemical laden, grain product (that I'm quite allergic to) to reassure me that things are going to be okay.  My habit was broken.

What's your habit?

Tuesdays at Forty: Money "Fun" is My Worst Stressor Right Now

Last week, I talked about feeling overwhelmed with all the stuff that I need to get done.  Well, that ball is rolling.  The biggest stressor is having to pay for stuff that I didn't need to before--health insurance, dental insurance, having to pay to get copies made of my medical records--and that was increased quite a bit at the end of the week.

My poor little Jeep Liberty--she of 11 years and more than 120,000 miles--had to get some much needed maintenance taken care of.  That cost me more than $4000.  Now, I realize it's not polite, per se, to discuss or share how much stuff ended up costing but $4000, in one big chunk, is quite a bite to swallow.  And that's on top of all the other stuff that I'm having to pay for (see above) as well as just living my life.

So...I'm still digesting it.  Pretty soon, it'll just be part of the landscape but, right now, while I'm still getting used to this new normal (which is barely two months old), I'm doing what I can to not implode.  Quite a few of the things on my "To Do" list are "To Done" and I'm glad for that.  Granted, new stuff gets added as time goes by but I'm getting there.  And, while I may fuss and moan and groan about the days that I have to work at the part-time, I'm thankful to have the shifts because that's more money to work with through the month.  And I'm thankful for my other avenues of income, no matter how large or small.  Every little bit helps.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Tuesdays at Forty: Overwhelmed Into Inactivity

When I was in the 7th grade, back in middle school at Scandinavian Middle School, I had a class--I think it was History--in which the teacher would assign us essay questions every day.  We would get the list of all the questions at the beginning of the week, if I remember correctly, and we'd have to turn in each day's questions on the day that they were due. You couldn't just write, verbatim, what was in the book either.  You had to write it in your own words.  I was sick one day and didn't complete the questions for that day which meant that I had to do both that day and the following day's questions when I returned.  This caused me some anxiety and I ended up being sick the next day too.  So, then I had three day's worth of questions to complete when I returned.  This made my anxiety worse and I ended up being sick AGAIN.  I went back to school the following week, hoping that the responsibility from the previous week would be ignored or forgotten.  It wasn't.  My teacher told me that I needed to complete the questions for the previous week.  More anxiety ensued.  It was a terrible cycle.  I think, by the end, I had nearly two week's worth of questions that I needed to complete.

My mom couldn't figure out why I was so sick all of the sudden.  She asked me what was going on and I, with great reluctance because I knew she'd be mad that I wasn't actually *sick*, told her.  She asked to see the list of questions; asked if I had my book; then said: "Well, you better get started.  You're not coming out of this room until it's done."  Of course, I huffed and puffed and moaned and groaned about how unfair it was but I was actually quite glad that she had put her foot down.  That meant I could no longer put it off.  I DID get those questions done.  It took me two full evenings, after school, to do so but they were done and the burden was lifted.

Why do I share this?  Because I've been kind of going through something similar.  There's been so much that I need to do, that I was overwhelmed into inactivity.  The only things that I was doing was going to work and helping out at the bookstore.  I hadn't really done anything else.  I think part of the overwhelm was that, in order to do much of it, I needed to pay for various aspects for it to get done.  The reduction in my income has caused me some stress but these things need to get done so I need to do whatever I can to get the means to pay for them.  Ironically, doing what I need to do to increase my revenue streams is on that list of things to do which was put off because of being overwhelmed by all the things that I need to do.  Are you seeing the cycle here?

So, where do I start?  With the things that don't actually cost me money to complete.  And that is where I am now.

Have you ever been overwhelmed into inactivity?

Tuesdays at Forty: A New Normal

For the past two decades, I've had to be at work at a consistent time on a regular basis.  It was either 6, 7, or 7:30 when I was dayshift; 3pm when I was swingshift--which I haven't been on in more than a decade; or 6 or 7pm when I was on nightshift.  For a few years, there might have been a stint on graveshift and having to be at work at 11pm but that was as shortlived as swingshift.  Of course, there was that six month stint of deployment where I had to be at work by noon, but, for the past six months or so, I haven't had to be at work at any particular time.  And, for the past 3.5 months, I haven't had to be at work at all and was on vacation for much of that.

I've been home from that vacation for two weeks now.  And other than the occasional shift at my part time job, for the most part, I have no job.  Not any job like I've been accustomed to for 91% of my adult life--20 of the past 22 years, you do the math.  It's just odd.  Before, I would stress if I was up until 1 or 2am.  "Oh, shit!  I have to be at work in seven hours.  I better get to sleep." And then toss and turn all night.  Now, being up until those hours is quite the norm (it's 12:48am as I type this) and then I get up between 9 and 10am.  Every day.  Just surreal.  Even when I have to work at the part time, these hours of "awake" don't have any negative effect on my shift.  I'm kind of working swingshift when I do work so I guess that's why.  But, still, although my "awake" hours are pretty consistent, the demands on my time aren't.  Hell, there's barely any demands on my time.  

I really like this new phase.  This New Normal.  Being unshackled from a set schedule, among other demands from the previous phase, is quite awesome.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Tuesdays at Forty: Long-Traveled and Unshackled

I recently finished up two road trips, totaling more than 11,000 miles.  The first took place in the month of April and I traveled through pretty much every state south of Delaware, to include Florida and Texas (which aren't southern states, if you ask anyone who is from either of them lol).  The second was a cross-country trip that encompassed every state along the I76, I70, I80 route between Delaware and northern California.

I did learn a few things: passenger vehicle drivers are, mostly, idiots when it comes to driving around big rigs (tractor-trailers, for you eastern folks).  They seem to think that they can cut in front of an 18-wheeler and hit the brakes like it's no big deal.  They also don't realize that it really isn't safe to drive with only one car length between them and the trailer when that truck is trying to pass another truck.  Do they think that being closer make the truck drive faster?  Their sheer presence will "push" the truck faster?

I also learned that truckers, nowadays, are asshats.  I was taught the art of headlight communication at a very young age, having ridden passenger on long roadtrips with my mother, my father, and/or my grandfather.  They taught me well.  Unfortunately, it's, apparently, a lost art now.  In all my travels, these past two months, my headlight communication was acknowledged fewer than five times.  In 11,000 miles.  Do you know how many trucks I drove near in that time?  Thousands.  And fewer than five acknowledged my "Hey, it's safe to move in front of my vehicle in order to move out of the way of that douchebag who's climbing up your ass."  So rude.

My biggest "lesson" though wasn't really a lesson so much as a realization.  For 20 years, I've had to worry about fitting a specific mold: Must be this physically fit, must not have a waist larger than X, must conform to this dresscode.  For the first time in 20 years, I didn't have to fit that mold.  My first act of rebellion: I dyed my hair purple.  Bright, vibrant purple.  It has since faded to a deep plum but it was beautiful that first week.  I haven't worked out in months and I relaxed like crazy on what I ate.  As a result, there is more of me to love but, you know what: I don't have to fit into that mold any more.  I don't have to worry that I will lose a career because my waist is 41" and won't be down to the required 35.5" within a month or so.  The irony: I will probably lose it faster because I'm not stressing losing it.  I can do whatever sort of physical fitness that I want.  I don't have to run, do pushups, or situps--required elements of the AF PT test.  I can swim.  I can walk.  I can ride a bicycle.  Hell, I can just do yoga for the rest of my life, if that's what I want to do.

My time is my time.  And I can live it deliberately, making choices to do things that I want to do.  What are some things that I want to focus on?  Strengthening my faith, helping out a friend in her bookstore, and getting more involved with the local chapter of Team Red, White, & Blue.  There will also be some physical activity and eating well in my future but I don't make any specific declarations because I tend to not stick to those declarations when they're made.  I'm just going to do my best to find contentment in my life and help others do the same.

Take care!

Me, rocking my TeamRWB t-shirt.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Tuesdays at Forty: My Faith is Nichiren Buddhism

My first exposure to Buddhism, in terms of going to a gathering/meeting, was about ten years ago shortly after I arrived at Dover AFB.  An Air Force Chief told me about the group that he was a part of and I attended as his guest; but only that one time.  A few years later, a friend of mine reintroduced the idea of it when she called me a Bodhisattva of the Earth.  I was intrigued and sought to learn more.  I started attending weekly chanting sessions and felt a welcoming that I hadn't felt in a long time.

Now, I have to be honest.  I was wary of this welcoming.  I had felt something similar when I first started attending "success meetings" in mary kay.  And those turned out to be all facade--mary kay is big on "fake it 'til you make it" and I didn't want this new feeling to also be a facade as well.  One key difference between the two is that I could actually express my concerns to my Buddhism group.

Unlike the mary kay meetings, my concerns weren't dismissed or poo-poo'd away, I was allowed and encouraged to express my concerns.  The other big difference: my group didn't want anything from me; except to help me find my own personal happiness.  I didn't need to buy or sell anything.  I didn't need to recruit anyone into the group.  My attending meetings and gatherings wasn't a reflection of how successful they were but, instead, it was about my own personal growth in the faith.  As a result, I WANTED to share my journey with everyone.  I didn't have to manipulate conversations down a path to which I could share anything.  If it came up, sure, I shared but, in most cases, it was just me and my outlook that conveyed that something was different in my life.

Now, each day, I'm excited to see the growth of those whom I've introduced to the faith.  They see, like I did, that there is no judgement in the following of Nichiren Buddhism.  Through chanting, you control how you react to changes in your life and you're able to realize even more options to the decisions that come your way.  The mere act of chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo helps to center you and helps you to tune out the distractions of the day.

I offer up this clip from "What's Love Got To Do With It" to show a nugget of what is entailed in our chanting sessions:

If this post piques your interest, you can search on the SGI website for more information or search "Soka Gakkai Buddhism (local city/state)" in your favorite search engine.

Tuesdays at Forty: "Happy Birthday to Me"

A new blog series for the upcoming year: Tuesdays at Forty.  It’s the first year in one of the largest transitions that my life has encountered thus far.  I’m no longer Active Duty and am no longer tethered to anything.  Seriously.  There is nothing that I HAVE to do.  I don’t HAVE to go to work—assuming my retirement pay kicks in a week from tomorrow.  I don’t have to move—I have everything I need where I’m at.  Yet, conversely, I don’t HAVE to stay in Dover.  There is nowhere that I can’t move.  My paycheck will follow me wherever I go.

I had the opportunity, during my travels since March 31^st, to see that I really have quite the opportunity ahead of me.  Nobody depends upon me for food or shelter or anything.  Everything that I do is because I CHOOSE to do it.  If I give away all the money I have after bills are paid…my choice.  If I am never home and am always out gallivanting…my choice.  If I adopt a hundred cats (P-U!!)…my choice.  It’s all my choice.

The first that I’ll do is to buy a new planner.  I really like a good “analog” planner.  Yes, I can use my phone for appointments but I really like to see what’s coming up in a “big picture” kind of way.  This AT-A-GLANCE "Branches and Blooms" planner is the one that I’ll be getting in a couple weeks.

After that, I can get myself on a schedule that best reflects the things that I need to do in order to be where I want to be in a year.  Some of those goals:

• ·         In school
• ·         Conducting workshops in local schools
• ·         Much healthier and stronger than I am now

In the meantime, I’m finishing up the roadtrip that began three weeks ago—two weeks to go—and doing a little reflection and pondering in preparation for the year ahead.  And every chance I get, I will remind myself to not take for granted the fact that I have the freedom to do anything, go anywhere, and be anyone because nobody depends upon my presence to exist.  I have an opportunity in choice to make great everything that I do, to make fun everywhere that I go, and to help be happy everyone that I encounter.  I won’t squander those opportunities.

Nam myoho renge kyo