Wednesdays at Forty-Something: Moving, Part II

If you haven't read Part I, I've linked it here.

Part II is feeling like a research project.  Part I was more linear and took place in only one location: Delaware.  Part II has stuff going on in Delaware and Iowa and, really, a whole lot more going on.

Let's start by first painting the picture of what my situation was at the time this happened.  I hadn't lived in anyone else's place in more than 20 years.  I bought my first house in 1999 and sold it to buy the DE house.  I did live in an apartment during the first year while I was in DE but it was still mine.  I wasn't anyone's roommate or guest.  I had sold as much furniture as I could.  I did leave behind a few pieces but those were gotten rid of, somehow, by my realtor (at the time) and/or my neighbor.

The only furniture that I put in storage in Indianapolis was bedroom furniture and a Step Tantsu that I bought in Okinawa back in 2004.  So, a mattress set, a chesser, an armoire, a lingerie chest, my hope chest, the Step Tansu, a entryway table, 33 pieces of art, and, roughly, 30-40 boxes of stuff.  That's it.  It was quite the downsizing from what I started out with in that house, seen here in 2007 shortly after I moved in.  I mean, I even got rid of half my books and half my movies so that I didn't have to move them, knowing that I'd move things from storage to an apartment to a house in Indiana once I bought one.  All that I put in storage, fit into a 10' x 10' space.

On October 23, 2019, I set out for Iowa with my cats, my computer, and my clothes.  I had made a much, much earlier trip in 2018 to drop off a few boxes of things that I knew I wouldn't be needing for a year: photo albums and a good majority of my dresses. I made that trip mainly to drop of my Jeep because the middle child of my former best friend bought it from me.  It's crazy to think there was 14 months in between those two trips.  The time went so quickly.  Anyhow, this was my car last Fall, almost no empty space but still able to see out all the windows:

I stayed that night at a pet-friendly Hampton Inn in California, PA.  (Funny aside: I find it great humor in that PA has many towns and cities named after other states)  Got to Iowa on the 24th.  The driving and such was a good distraction from the fact that it was the one-year anniversary of the death of my mama.

To say it was an adjustment is an understatement.  I went from living in a house with only two cats, in which the only things that made noise were me, the cats, the TV, the computer, or the radio to living in a house of a family of four, two dogs, two cats, and a ferret.  The room I was staying in was in the fully finished, multi-room basement--seriously, all it needed was a kitchen for it to be its own living quarters--and it was right under the room where the family watched TV.  There was no insulation between the floor of that level and the dropped ceiling of the bedroom so every time someone walked across the floor or the dogs went tearing through that room, I heard it.  Every time the lever on the recliner released the footrest, I heard it.  It was a very loud pop that startled me on more than one occasion.

My cats were having a hard time, too.  neither of them are young any more: Buster is 15 and Shivers is 9.  Buster has always been pretty go-with-the-flow but Shivers is a little high-strung.  She started acting out in February 2019 when I put Mocha, my oldest kitty, down.  She got really picky about the litter box and if it wasn't totally clean, she'd poop outside of it.  Now, full disclosure, I was pretty lazy when it comes to litter boxes.  It was nothing to go four or five days before I scooped it out.  However, once she started pooping outside of it, I tried to make a concentrated effort to scoop it out more often.  Mind you, there were two large storage boxes that were used as litter boxes.  I still use them.  I had this kind originally but they were too short so I switched to these.

She would still occasionally poop outside the box but, when that happened, I cleaned it up and went about my business.  Needless to say, the carpet was looking pretty rough after eight months of this, especially since I didn't use any special cleaning spray.  I would just put toilet paper on the mess until I could scoop up the doodie, knowing that I would be replacing the carpet when it came time to sell the house.  In time, it just became something I would look out for: did Shivers poop outside the box?  It didn't happen every day.  Sometimes, it would be a week or so before it happened again.

Why am I talking about this?  Because it contributed to me having to leave Iowa.  But, I'm getting ahead...

Now, the former best friend was fully aware of the situation.  She and her daughters were in my house for five days in May of last year.  Shivers pooped outside the box on, at least, one occasion while they were there AND there were stains on the carpet from the two months of accidents prior to their visit.  But, when it came time for me to move, I'd become accustomed to the issue.  It didn't faze me when she had an accident.  I wasn't tracking frequency or anything so when the former BFF asked if she was doing better, I assured her that the cat was doing better.  Little did I realize what would happen when we moved into a house with four other people, two dogs, two other cats, and a ferret.

The accidents started happening the very next day, very early in the morning, and UNDER the bed.  After the second time--one in which I had to cut off part of the hanging box spring liner because it was ON the liner (you know, that part that covers the springs so that nothing gets in between the springs? yeah, ON that part)--I took the mattress set off the metal frame and put in directly on the carpet.  That way, if there was an accident, it would be MUCH easier to get to.

Let's segue away a bit from discussions of poop.  Let's talk about mattresses for a moment.  In February 2018, I replaced my mattress set with an awesome mattress set.  Not quite Cadillac Escalade level but definitely in the "super comfy to me, I never want to get out of bed" category.  That mattress set got put in storage.  The mattress set I was sleeping on...I don't know when it had last been replaced.  I don't think it was that old but I was feeling its affordability.  As a single person with no kids, I don't have to choose between a good mattress and getting braces on the kids.  I get the good mattress.  In this case, the kids got braces. 

So, I was sleeping on a mattress that wasn't mine, my cat was waking me up on, a daily basis, in the wee hours, and there were buffalo that tromped through the room upstairs on weekdays in the early morning.  Basically, sleep was NOT happening.  When I did sleep, it wasn't restful because I was half listening for the hershey squirts that came out of my cat's ass.

The hours of being awake were different kinds of challenges.  I had moved to a place that was seven miles from its nearest "town", population 1003.  It had one grocery store that was sparsely stocked, one gas station, and a few other small businesses.  The next largest town was 20 miles away.  Thankfully, it has a population that is large enough to warrant many businesses to include a YMCA.  I signed up for a membership, there, in mid-November but, again, I'm getting ahead of myself.

The week after getting to Iowa, I wanted to be sure I was doing my part to provide a bit for the folks in whose house I was a guest so I signed up for a Costco membership.  What better place to get a whole bunch of stuff than Costco, right?  In the first two weeks, I had to find a place to get the food that my cats ate and a place to get kitty litter that might help with the issues that Shivers was having.  That place and Costco were in Des Moines, 65 miles away.  So was the mall.  If I wanted to meander around a bunch of stores and people watch, I had to drive 65 miles.  It was in this mall that I had planned to transfer my part-time job from Delaware to Iowa but after making that drive a couple times, I realized it wasn't going to happen.

The autonomous city mouse was very much in the country and trying to adapt to new surroundings and situations.  It was very difficult.

What was also difficult was to see my former best friend in a different light.  In that past, I didn't pay a tremendous amount of attention to some of her behaviors or those of her family.  My visits were usually quite short and focused having fun while out and about doing things.  I had had a glimpse during my "drop off the Jeep" visit back in 2018 but, again, I didn't process it like I did while actually living with them.

During the 2018 visit, the whole gaggle of folks--friend, her husband, their three kids, the oldest's boyfriend, and I--made a trip to the Amana colonies.  We took two cars and left around, I think, 9 in the morning.  We arrived an hour or so later.  We walked around, had lunch, walked around some more, and by 2 o'clock, I was ready to go.  I was done.  So was the oldest daughter and her boyfriend.  The former friend was irritated that we wanted to leave but we left anyway.  I wish I had my own car but that had been bought by the middle child already.  We went back to the house and hung out/decompressed.  The friend, her husband, and her two other kids didn't get back until much later.  I don't remember what time.  I just remember that they stayed there and had dinner.  She was still irritated that we didn't stay with them and finish the day as a family.

That was the glimpse that I didn't process or dig into.

(This is pretty long and there's more to come so I'll publish this and move on to a Part III)

Wednesdays at Forty-Something: Moving, Part 1

Back in late spring/early summer 2019, I had to find a new lawn guy; and saw a few recommendations for one in a fb group that I'm part of, N, The Lawn Barber.  I called him and he came out to give me an estimate.  While we were talking, I mentioned that I'd be selling my house and he recommended his friend, T.  I had already met with one realtor but thought it would be good to meet with one or two more, so I said "sure" to meeting this guy.  He came out that day.  I decided to use his services.  By this time, the lawn guy had taken care of my lawn once and I wasn't happy with the result.  I texted him a few days later to let him go.

In late August, my realtor and the guy he works with for minor repairs, R, did a walkthrough of the house to discuss needed repairs.  I asked him to send me an invoice, detailing everything we discussed/identified.  A month later, my realtor asked if I had heard from the repair guy and I said no and that I also hadn't reached out.  Realtor said they were in communication and that I should get it soon.

In September, I received a whammy in my actual moving plans.  The woman who, just months prior, had confirmed that she could still help me move, backed out.  She didn’t actually tell me until I had texted her to find out which day she was able to fly out from the Midwest.  Her reason was that she had been willing when it would be her and her boyfriend but since they had broken up, she wouldn’t be able to do it on her own.  Mind you, they broke up in May or June, a few weeks after I confirmed with her and months before I sent the text.

Why was this such a whammy?  Because the original plan was for them to drive the Uhaul and me to drive my car, both full up with stuff.  We would drop off the stuff off at an Indianapolis storage place, turn in the Uhaul, and then all of us would head to Iowa, where they lived and I’d be staying for a few months until I sold my house in Delaware.  When she cancelled, I had to replan the entire trip.  The biggest issue I had with the initial cancellation was that she waited so long to tell me and, in the year since I had initially asked her, not once did she say “If the boyfriend can’t do it, I won’t be able to help.”  I wasn't expecting her to know they would break up but she should, at the very least, know that she wouldn’t be able to help by herself.

I did find someone a couple days later, who would be able to help; within the same time frame, using the same game plan.  A week later, they cancelled because an important issue came up that required them to go out of the country. 

When the first person cancelled on me, I asked them to send back the EZPASS that was in my old Jeep.  See, back in summer 2018, I sold my Jeep to her little sister and left the EZPASS in it because I had a feeling that they’d all be coming out for my college graduation in May 2019.  Leaving that for them saved them quite a bit of money on the toll roads between their place and mine.

I would need that EZPASS for the Uhaul.  Well, they had lost it.  Some time between May and August 2019, they lost property that wasn’t theirs.  This still gets me a little salty because when you pull the transponder from one vehicle and put it in another, a responsible person would, upon return, put it back in the original vehicle or put it some place that it wouldn’t get lost.  Having lived in that household for three months, I now know there is no safe place and the Jeep would have, ultimately, been the best place to put it.

So, come October 2019, I have nobody to help me move and no extra EZPASS so I decided to just do it all myself.  I would drive the Uhaul to Indy, fly back, and then drive my car out to Iowa.  It was also at this time that I asked if the house repair guy would be okay with getting paid upon selling because I didn't have the full (tentative) amount that he had mentioned during the walk through.  I still didn't have a written estimate.  The repair guy said he wasn't comfortable with that.  I wasn't surprised by this answer, but the question was worth asking.  Mid October comes and I still haven't received an invoice.  I got in contact with another repair guy that a friend recommended.  He completed the walk-through and invoice was emailed within 72 hours.  I communicated to the first guy that I wouldn't be using his services.  I mean, seriously, when you can't generate an invoice in two months, it's time to go.

During this time, I was also trying to figure out how I was going to get my stuff loaded on the Uhaul because none of my friends were available.  My realtor suggested going with N because he did moving services as a side gig.  This was the guy who didn't work out as a lawn guy.  Since lawn stuff and moving are apples and oranges I decided to go ahead contact him.

Come the day to load my stuff, N and two other guys were there.  N didn't move anything.  The two guys do.  During one part of hauling stuff out of my house, they had to move a big chesser.  Kind of a dresser.  Kind of a chest of drawers.  It's 2' x 6' x 5'.  At this point, N decided to assist.  I was outside while they figured out how to get it out of my upstairs room, around the corners, and down the stairs.  When they did make it outside, I saw that they had had to put it upside down to get it out.  Why?  I don't know.

They were going to put it on the truck that same way.  Uh, no.  Right side up, please.  I had removed all the drawers prior to them moving it so that it was much lighter.  I needed it right side up so that I could put the drawers back in.  They got it on the truck and while I was putting the drawers in, I noticed they had scratched the bottom edge of the dresser so bad that I got a splinter when I ran my hand over it.  I pulled N aside and get a bit angry about the damage.  He didn't apologize.  Instead, he threatened to pull the crew and leave me to do the rest myself.  I told him to continue with the loading. They finished up a couple hours later.  It took four hours or so, total.

These pictures are the front edge of the top of the dresser.

This is the front edge of the bottom of the dresser.  Where it looks like smudges is where they forced it so hard down the corner of a wall that it left paint on the dresser.  The corner of that wall?  It was flattened by 1/4" for a length of almost two feet.

I left the next morning for Indianapolis.  It took two days to get there.  It rained the whole time and was quite a miserable drive.  Luckily, once I got to Indy, it cleared up and unloading was easy peasy.  I had found a crew via moving.com and they helped me unload.  They were also nice enough to follow me to the Uhaul place and then take me to the rental car agency.  Once I got my rental car, I drove to the hotel and stayed there until I flew out three days later.  After those previous three weeks, I NEEDED to decompress.

I flew back to Delaware and commenced packing up the rest of my stuff--the stuff that I would need in Iowa while I was there, including my cats—and get rid of the furniture that I didn’t take to Indy.  I got all that done the second to last week of October and was in Iowa by the 24^th.  Driving in a small SUV is definitely much easier than driving a 15’ Uhaul.

I’ll leave my story of living in Iowa for the next post.

Wednesdays at Forty-Something: A Domino of Events These Past Five Months

After that last post about homeownership, things got hectic and there were quite a few adjustments made in the past six months.  The week after the post, I started the Fall term of my last year towards my Bachelors degree as well as the first class towards my MBA.  I ended up taking only one Grad class because a second one would have put me at 21 credits.  More than 18 credits means the college charges me a fee.  I didn't feel like paying an extra $2000 so I didn't take the second Grad class.

However, because of how things were going to play out, I knew that I would need Student Loans for the Summer 2019 term.  Unfortunately, the Financial Aid rep gave me inaccurate information which resulted in me applying for FA six months too soon.  Having been a GI Bill student since 2017, I was not well informed about how FA works and trusted that the FA rep would lead me correct.  I was wrong.  As a result, I ended up with Student Loans last Fall.  I pondered: Do I just put the money right back towards the SL when the VA pays my tuition or do I put the money towards something else?  My tuition didn't get paid until nearly the end of Oct which gave me a month to figure out what I was going to do.  I ended up putting my 5.05% SLs towards my 9.99% HVAC debt.

Two days after this, my mother passed away.  I was very sad but really not surprised by this event.  She'd been sick for years--diagnosed with throat cancer in 2012--and her living situation wasn't the best.  What made this worse was that a friendship dissolved right before my eyes within days of this occurrence.

In December 2017, I had introduced (someone whom I'd thought was) a good friend to my mom while I was in Fresno.  They hit it off and I asked her--Reanna, is her name--if she could stop in every couple weeks to visit with my mom and take her out to eat or to Target.  She said it would be no problem.  Early 2018, I sent her a few hundred $$ worth of gift cards so that she wouldn't have to come out of pocket to do these things for my mom.  This is someone whom I'd never asked anything of except, on a couple occasions over the years, to stay at her apartment while I was in town.  While I was her guest, I paid for some groceries and also took her to WHBM to get her some new clothes since hers were a mishmash of items that didn't match, didn't fit, and really didn't suit for when she needed to present a put-together or professional appearance.  Since 2016, I have taken her shopping a couple times to help her out.  The first time was for the reason stated above.  After that, it was to add to what I bought the first time and/or because she lost weight and things didn't fit any more.  I had also sent her money to help her get a better apartment or to help get things for her daughter.

I share this info to give context to why I didn't think it would be a big deal to ask her if she could visit my mom or take her out for lunch or shopping.  Reanna and I had a friendship.  When friends need help, you help them.  When you need help, you ask them for it.  This is also why I didn't think twice about sending her gift cards.  I TRUSTED that she would use them for the reasons they were intended.

What hurt is, after my mom passed, I looked back at the message, text, and other facebook history to see if and when she'd been able to take my mom out.  Mind you, Mom passed October 24th, 2018.  The last time Reanna took my mom out: FEBRUARY 2018.  I was also hurt by the fact that her only acknowledgement regarding my mom passing--a woman whom she'd said she'd check in on--was one comment on a post, DAYS after my mom passed: Sorry for you loss.  No DM/PM; no additional comments on my fb page; nothing.  I got ghosted.  And when I called her out about it, I got chastised.

Me (Nov 7):

I'm hurt and angry.  You never messaged me like you said you would.  You've yet to reach out to see how I'm doing.  And you've ignored my messages for nearly two weeks now.  I posted the poo meme for all those reasons.

I can't,  for the life of me, figure out why you wouldn't take 11 or 12 minutes out of the past two weeks to send me a message.

Hell, even my positive comment when you were asking for prayers, netted me no response.

Is that it?  My mom dies and you drop me as a friend, just without the fb friend delete?

Reanna (Nov 7):

No because I've been working 16 hour days with only one day off which is my only day off and having lupus I need that day to rest and try to recoup. I've been working 2 jobs. I'm not home until this time at night. Then it's time for me to eat, walk the dog, feed the dog and cat, get my kid in bed, get her ready for tomorrow, get my self ready for bed and prepared for tomorrow and start all over at 430 am. I am completely exhausted working from 8 to 2 then picking both girls up from school, therapies, neurology appointments, meeting with the school, track meets, speech therapy, OT Etc... Until 5 when I start my next job again with both girls on tow until 10 pm. So if I had time to reach out I would of. But what little time I DO have thus far is spent resting so I don't end up in the hospital because of my lupus. Christa grandma past and I haven't messaged her and yet she understands as to why I haven't. I didn't drop you as a friend I've just been busy being a SINGLE MOM because right now that is my priority. Getting my kid the help she needs and also trying to manage my health as well.

Me (Nov 7): 

I'm not Christa.  I'm not going to behave like Christa.

I didn't realize that Christa's grandmother was on the same level: someone whom you said you'd visit every few weeks.

Whatever the case, could you send back the gift cards?  Your schedule is jam packed and I don't want them to go to waste due to lack of use.

Thanks.

Message when you get a breather.

And try not to hold my grief against me.

I get that people are busy.  I get that people have crappy health and work two jobs.  What I don't get is how someone would try to make me believe that they NEVER have ANY downtime when I see numerous fb posts to the contrary, specifically Reanna posting about waiting times and sitting in waiting rooms, etc.  Again, I wasn't expecting something super lengthy but something more than "Sorry for you loss" is not unreasonable to expect from someone who is supposedly a good friend.

On Nov 15th, Reanna posted a screenshot of something in which I thought she was complaining about adding to her list of things that she already has to do and I responded that she could say "No".  A friend of hers took me to task as did Reanna:

As I will not apologize for anyone's behavior except my own... I will say this. She's not the only one upset at what was said here and the shit post on Facebook. I've given you my explanation via messenger. I've been working 12/16 hour days some of those days are with 2 children in tow. This is to help pay for my car to be fixed and a full psych eval for my child that's not covered by insurance. That only leaves me 8 hours in a day to go to therapy/homework/cook/clean and still spend time one on one with my child. Accepting this position would not only give me a voice for my child in school but also for other children and parents as well. I'm willing to cut back work for that. My priorities are to my child/my health/my clients. Although, I am saddened that your mom passed... And did say publicly my condolences, I do recall not one person checking in on me when an aunt that I was very close to passed from cancer a few months ago. Am I upset by that? No! We all live extremely busy lives and I get it. The public condolences and prayers were enough. I know my friends deeply and know that they will ALWAYS have my back in thoughts and prayers. Not to mention most of my friends also have a chronic illness such as myself and children with special needs so they require as much downtime and peace as I do. Many even ask how I keep going the way I do with what I have. I have a child who has needs that need to be taken care of $1500 psych exam plus $150 for the meeting with the school she needs to go and a car to be fixed $3000 worth of damage that I don't have laying around. But to post on my Facebook and yours to try to draw me into some kind of argument, I will not do it. Seems as though you may have a bit of anger projection/narcissistic traits that thanks to almost 2 years of therapy now I can recognize and won't entertain them. Again, I am sorry for your loss. And if I'm faulted for being a shitty friend but yet an AMAZING MOM AND AUNTIE, then my priorities are straight.

It is NOT narcissistic to think that a friend would say more than "Sorry for your loss" but Reanna feels/felt differently.

At this point, I really just wanted to get the giftcards back so that I could send them to a friend who was homeless (or damn near--it's been three months so I don't remember what, exactly, that friend's situation was).  When I asked her, on Nov 17th, when I could expect the gift cards, Reanna replied with this:

More than likely after December 1st since I'm working today and tomorrow until way late and leaving 3 am Monday for Arizona

I followed up on Dec 2nd, Dec 9th, and Dec 11th.  Other than a post on Dec 11th, I don't dwell on the situation.  But the stress got revisited with subsequent events in December, January, and this month.  Oh, I never did get the gift cards back.  Essentially, Reanna stole from me.  We'll call it misappropriation of funds by a layperson.

At the end of December, further research into the soka gakkai made me realize that what I wary of regarding this supposed Buddhism organization was true, to an extent.  Although not an actual Multi-level Marketing "business", it had many parallels; more importantly, it was not a study of Buddhism.  It was the study of Daisaku Ikeda, the sgi president.  Everything that the organization studies, reads, or references is by or about Daisaku Ikeda.  It's like saying you study Christianity but the only thing you read or study are books and such by Joel Osteen...or T.D. Jakes...or Joyce Meyer....but not the actual bible.  The sgi studies none of the original Buddhist teachings.  They study the perception of them, the opinion about them, but not the ACTUAL teachings.  Realizing this, I cancelled my subscriptions to sgi publications on Dec 21st.  I was on vacation at the time so there wasn't anything else I could do until I got home.  

On January 3rd, I sent this email to the district in which I was assigned, along with a copy of the member resignation letter that I had mailed to sgi-usa headquarters that afternoon:

Hello everyone!

I've attached the January calendar.  It is the last task that I will complete as an sgi member.  I will no longer participate in an organization that says it teaches Buddhism when, in fact, the sgi is all about the study of a man.  I joined to learn about Buddhism not participate in Ikedaism.

I realize that seasoned members may get their dander up and dispute this claim but we need look no further than the January Living Buddhism to have it proven true.  Let's take a look, shall we?

An excerpt from NHR by Ikeda

A monthly message from Ikeda

Good to Know that references an Ikeda book

Fundamentals that excerpts an Ikeda article

Ikeda Wisdom Academy questions that reference an Ikeda book

An article that excerpts "guidance" from various things by Ikeda

A 26-page item that discusses the NHR, complete with a picture of all the volumes

An experience that refers to Ikeda many times

A 5-page article that discusses "Shin'ichi"

The Mentor-Disciple piece

The Study Section from Ikeda's lecture series "...Sun Illuminating..."

Ikeda's collected works "...Creating Happiness..."

The back cover is an advertisement for the newest book "A Baptist Preacher's Buddhist Teacher"

I didn't join to study Ikeda's thoughts, perspectives, or outlooks.  I joined to study the teachings of many authors. 

I will not be dissuaded from my decision.  It was made of my own free and rational will.  My sustaining contributions have been terminated and my subscriptions have been cancelled as well.  And, NO, I will not chant about it; besides, the alter is disassembled.

To quote Maxine Waters: "Reclaiming my time!" from the time-suck that is soka gakkai ikedaism.

I received only one negative response which was to say that I shouldn't have used the positive cause of sending out the calendar to also express my personal opinions about president ikeda, especially to the new members.

Um, I HAD to send it the new members.  I was OBLIGATED to send it to the new members.  I had to share with them why I was leaving...that people actually DO leave the sgi.  Two people from the district are still friends.  They each backed off the sgi but still practice a bit.  I didn't make it my mission to change people's minds about whether they practice or not.  I made it a mission to provide them the other side of the coin, additional information about the practice.  If you ask people who love Brussel sprouts why other people HATE them, you don't get an answer.  You have to solicit information from many perspectives.

Two weeks after this all happened, I started the Spring term: four Undergrad classes and one Grad class.  I really enjoy the Undergrad classes.  The Grad class has been a struggle.  The instructor is an egomaniac.  He also employs outdated methods: four hours of lecture, none of which was essential to completing the Midterm--nor will it be necessary to completing the Final--but we're required to attend the class.

Then February came.  On February 8th, I had to put a kitty down.  She's been sick for years and was showing evidence of decline in quality of life.  I took the other two kitties with me to the vet so that they would know what happened and wouldn't be looking for her when I came back from the vet.  We were there for about an hour and a half.  Of course, that day had to be a "good" day for Mocha.  But, I'd rather put her down while things are still good-ish rather than wait and realize that I should have done it sooner.  Buster and Shivers have drawn closer to each other and are enjoying the fact that I now leave the bedroom door open for them.  Before, Mocha's episodes were something that woke me up if she was in the room.  She would sound like she was retching up a hairball but there was no hairball.  And this happened every night.

So, it's this series of events, since October, that reinforced how small--almost nonexistent--my support system in Delaware really is.  I have NO family here.  No best friend of 27 years.  That needs to change.  This summer, I'm putting the house on the market and am moving out of the state.  First, to Iowa, to save up some money; and then, to Indiana, to, hopefully, get settled into my life, once and for all.

All in all, things are going not so bad.  I'll graduate in May, get the house prepped for selling, and then I'm outie.  I plan to be out of the state by late Summer, if not sooner.

Oh, if you cross paths with Reanna, give her some happy thoughts.  As bad as it was before, her health has gotten worse and she's dealing with additional challenges with her pre-preteen daughter's health and well being.  Maybe give her a few dollars, too, 'cause nothing's cheap in California, especially healthcare.

Wednesdays at Forty-Something: Homeownership is NOT for the Faint of Heart

I'm closing in on a decade of homeownership in my current house and, let me tell you: It's not easy by any stretch.  For decades, now, I've realtor friends talk about how much more cost effective it is to own your own house.  When you compare monthly payments, yeah, it probably is BUT when you compare overall costs, it's really not.

I bought my first house at the tender age of 23.  I was single and had just made E4.  I was anxious to move out of the base dorms and have more space and freedom.  As much as I loved moving into my first house, I think I would have waited.  I think I was a little blinded by the potential to receive more money just for living off-base.  Keep in mind, this was awhile before Housing Allowances were as (proportionally) high as they are now.  When I received my BAH, it covered only 3/4 of my living expenses.  My gross monthly pay was about $1400 and my monthly BAH was about $300.  After taxes and other deductions, my take-home was about $1100.  My mortgage was $840.  Plus there was the cost of Maslow's other needs, frivolities, and a credit card (or three).  I don't remember the cost of upkeep and maintenance but I do remember paying $2000 to remove five or six very large Fir trees from the yard because they were in close proximity to the house.

When I moved to Japan, for three years, I kept the house and an aunt moved into it.  She paid the utilities.  I paid for everything else.  Thankfully, my living expenses in Japan were covered by an Overseas Housing Allowance and a Utility Allowance but the stateside mortgage wasn't covered.  Even so, I was able to pay off the credit card debt that had followed me to Japan.  However, that victory was short-lived because, when I moved back to the States, the discontinuance of those Overseas Allowances cut my take-home by 25%.  I wasn't able to live in the dorms so I HAD to live off-base.  I found an apartment as soon as I got to Dover.  I also bought a car because, well, getting to/from work was important.  So, moving back Stateside netted me monthly rent, a car payment, and utilities again ALONG WITH the mortgage that I was still paying.

A year after I arrived in Delaware, I began looking for a new house to buy.  The high-density establishments (read: apartments) in Dover aren't great.  They are far overpriced for the amenities that you (DON'T) get.  My goal was to find a house that cost less than the combined payments of my mortgage and my rent.  That wasn't too difficult considering those two items totaled more than $1600.  I found a house, bought it using an 80/20 Conventional loan, and moved in during February 2007.  Thankfully, in the years between the two purchases, my gross pay had increased to $2600 per month and BAH to just under $500.

Two months after I moved in, I had eight windows replaced.  They were old, metal-framed storm windows and were super inefficient.  They cost me nearly $9000 but I imagine I've saved at least that amount in energy costs since the air isn't whooshing out giant "holes" in the walls.  That was the first of many expenses incurred for this house.

Since then, home improvement costs have ran the gamut:

$380 in 2010 to install ceiling fans in two bedrooms, install lighting in the attic, and reroute some electrical conduit.
$3130 in 2014 to install Gutter Guard on all the rain gutters (now debris goes over the gutter rather than getting stuck in it).
$1875 also in 2014 to make improvements to the a/c system that would not have been needed to be made if it had been installed correctly to begin with.
$2849 in 2015 to install wood-look tile in the kitchen, dining room, laundry room, 1st floor bathroom, and front entry.

That's more than $17,000 spent in just eight years and that doesn't include the revamp to my front yard where I replaced my postage stamp patch of grass with river rock and a short stone wall border.  I think that was another $2000 or $3000, back in 2013.

Those were all done while I was Active Duty and making a nice chunk of change.  That chunk changed when I retired in 2016.  My take-home income drop by 2/3 that year though, in 2017, it did increase some when my Disability kicked in but the maintenance and upkeep on the house has yet to slow down.

$4999 in 2016 on new attic windows (the old ones were the originals, I think) and roof repair.
$4926 in 2017 on new front and kitchen doors.

Having a 200 year old house makes for increased labor charges because NOTHING on the house is plumb.

So...that brings the total spent to about $30,000 in 12 years.  That doesn't include the $1600 to get rid of the termites in the cellar and wood-boring beetles in the attic in 2016.  Nor does it include the, roughly, $10,000 that I've spent on yard maintenance, replacement appliances, and other nit-noid repair and upkeep items.  That brings the total to more than $40,000.  I will share that I have additional preventative maintenance in the works.  My two a/c systems and my water heater are approaching the end of their lifespans.  Replacing them is next in the works.  That's another $15,000-$23,000 for everything.

I will concede that I do tend to choose to pay for great customer service and, therefore, might pay more than the average person for these things but, even if I chose the less-expensive options, it's still a chunk of money invested in the house.

None of these would be MY expenses in a rental.  With that, I'll never own again.  I would rather spend $40,000 on experiences and time with friends and family than on a house that isn't my final abode.

Wednesdays at Forty-Something: Letting Go Again

Well, here I am, four months after writing this post about my guy, writing about my fella.  Like my guy, he wasn't willing or able to give what I need.  My needs haven't changed from when I typed that last post.  Each of them wanted to give me what I need but, for their own reasons, they couldn't or chose to take care of other aspect of their lives.  There is nothing wrong with that.  It's a form of self-care and I totally understand.  Even if I don't like that I'm not the center of their universe (why, I don't know lol), I can understand having to take care of yourself.  Hell, even flight attendants tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping the person next to you.

So, I'm officially, completely, totally single again.  Haven't been here in almost two years but, really, when your relationships are long distance, it doesn't look that much different whether you're single or not.

I had originally planned a much longer post but, after reading the post from March, to do so would just be redundant.  I will add that I wish both men a contented future with challenges that shape them into the people that they aim to be.

On a separate note, I passed the Spring term with four As and two Bs and earned the Dean's List again.  My fourth time in four full-time terms and I'm aiming to complete both semesters of my Senior year of Undergrad in the same manner.  I know I'll achieve it, as focused as I get when I'm attending school.

Wednesdays at Forty-Something: Letting Go of What It's Supposed to Look Like

When I was a kid, I used to play dress up in my mom's old clothes.  I'd also play act various scenarios with my friends: cops & robbers, hide n seek, statues, etc.  With my female friends, we'd play that someone was getting married--which usually involved yanking flowers off the neighbor's beautiful flowering bush--or we'd play office or some other women/girl-centric scenario.

Never, though, did I imagine that I'd be this age in life and on my own.  It just seemed like everyone had a spouse and kids.  Even if parents were divorced, there was a step-parent in the picture, so the home was still fairly nuclear.  Keep in mind, the age that I'm referencing was still in single digits so it would be years before my own parents tore the family apart.

And here I am, 30 years after this play-acting took place...never been married; had kids but not a parent; pursuing an education that nobody in my immediate family--mom, dad, grandparents--did...or will, for that matter.  Both my brother and my dad have had multiple marriages.  My mom is still with the man that was "the straw" in a tall stack of hay for the camel that was my parent's marriage.  I think she stays with him because it's easier than learning to live on her own at 65.  THAT is a scary prospect when you've never lived on your own.

I've talked marriage with two men in my life; many, many years ago.  I'm thankful it didn't happen the last time because I'd be stuck in my hometown doing goodness knows what while he fished and hunted ALL.YEAR.ROUND.  I think that would be a more lonely existence than what I currently have; but I'm not sure.  We had a good relationship during the two years that we were together but I know I would have wanted more and I would have wanted out of Fresno.  Fresno is a hell-hole.

At nearly 42, I'm in love with two men.  They each do their best to show me but, I'm finding, that "best" doesn't always work for me.  On more than one occasion, I don't feel visible enough.  I need to be told that I'm missed, that I'm wanted, that I'm loved.  Hell, I need my texts and messages to be responded to in a timely manner.  Truly, not too much to want or need.  The hard part is when I realized that all the things that I do are not going to result in me getting the things that I need; and that I have to do something different if my needs are to be met.

The unfortunate thing is that I know what it is to regret a decision.  To give in to someone not wanting an aspect of the relationship and I let them go.  But...will I regret staying in this situation or will I regret letting it go?  I have to make the choice and, if the current situation isn't working and that's what the foreseeable future looks like, then I have to be the one to make the decision.

If I hear from them, I feel like I know they're thinking about me.  When you're involved with someone...when you love someone...you want to know that they think about you.  If you don't hear from them or otherwise have any indication, how can you know they're thinking about you?  I don't want to wonder any more.  Communication is more than a general sharing of memes on facebook.  It's more than liking a status or post.  It's conversation just between the two of you.  And it's initiated on either end; not just one.

I love you, guy, but I gotta let you go.  In this current state, we're not good for each other.  You're not giving me what I need and I'm going to always resent that.  I can't let that continue.  I want us to stay friends.  I don't want to reach a point where I think you're an asshole because you didn't give me what I need, even if it's just because you're don't have the capacity to do so right now.  Maybe our paths will cross again.  Who knows.

Wednesdays at Forty-Something: I'm Lonely...Every Day

Had a conversation yesterday that prompted me to make an appointment with Behavioral Health.  The first one is tomorrow, Feb 8th.  I don't know if I can really outline all the reasons why I chose to pursue this.  I see them all much like that compilation of labels for this blog, down on the bottom of the right side-bar: just a cloud of many different things that, depending upon what is drawing the most energy, may have one or two items that are more prominent than most.  But one thing that is constant is loneliness.  I am lonely every day of my life.  Not all day but, yes, every day.  The only time this isn't true is when I'm not at home.  

Nobody visits me at my home.  Unless I'm hosting a chanting session for/with my Buddhism family for the month.  Other than that, the mailperson is the only person who steps on my porch.  I do have one friend who has come to visit but since I haven't yet replaced the soiled mattress in the spare room, they haven't been able to.  So, other than when I hosted in November, my house has seen no visitors since early October.  Last night would be another exception.  Someone who is new to my Buddhism family hung out for a few hours when they dropped me off and we gabbed for a good three hours.  THAT makes me optimistic.

I was told that being lonely is a choice and that being alone is also a kind of choice.  Yes, from a perspective, I do choose these things.  I choose them because I get tired of having to be the one to go to other people's houses.  I get tired of never being invited over.  I get tired of having to go to a person's workplace to visit with them because they never come to mine.  I get tired when I realize that maybe I'm trying to maintain one-sided endeavors.

I was also told that I purposely chose to get involved with men whom I can see only part-time so that I don't have to fully commit.  I don't know if that is true or to what extent it may be true.  I know that I don't want to become so involved with someone that I lose myself; that I, like so many friends I've seen, have no single friends, only associate with other couples, and don't know what to do with myself if my partner/spouse isn't there to do it with me.  I don't need someone to complete me.  I don't NEED anyone.  I would like someone who complements me...someone who compliments me is nice too.  I WANT, I don't NEED.

None of this awareness makes me any less lonely.  When things get really low, I reach out...or, as it was described, I lash out.  This is true.  This reach out comes from such a place of pain that it's all I can do.  It's much like a wounded animal who wants to heal but bites at the hand trying to help.  Being lonely is just all I know.  Like people who experience chronic pain, who don't know what it's like to be pain-free, except for those rare and extremely brief moments when a pain medication works just right.

For me to really feel not lonely for an extended period time, I have to travel 1000 miles or more to the places where my best friends and family live.  Some of my friends tease me because I plan my trips so far in advance.  If you knew that you'd have a reprieve from your chronic discomfort, wouldn't you plan those moments meticulously?  Plan them so that you can get the most out of being pain free?  That is why I count down to my vacations and school breaks.  Those are the times that I'm not lonely.

The conversation that I recently had also had to do with their breakdown.  To a large extent, all I can focus on is how it made me feel.  It's not right.  This person didn't purposely do anything to cause me pain but it happened.  And I can't seem to get passed it.  They were coming to visit me--which, I might have mentioned, nobody does--and this visit was going to make that time of not being lonely last that much longer because I was just returning from a visit with family.  Their breakdown prevented this from happening and I spiraled.  I had built the happiness of the visit up so high in my mind that I was devastated when it didn't happen.  I blamed them.  I was angry beyond measure.  And they were in the midst of their own mental health crisis.  What kind of monster does that make me?  Well, none, really, but I still feel immense guilt.  I'm still angry that they didn't visit and I still can't get passed it.  I'm trying though.

Many people thrive on living on their own.  I do very well at it BUT I still need people in my life.  They're not the potatoes of my french fries but they ARE a multitude of condiments and don't condiments, of all kinds, make french fries better?  Visits from friends are the condiments of life.

I've lived by myself for 19 years.  I don't enjoy it.  I enjoy having my own space, yes, but to not have had visitors for the majority of those 19 years is miserable.  I'm working to change this but I can't make anyone visit me.  And, frankly, it gets exhausting to have to be the one to travel 1000 miles to visit friends and family.

Along the lines of loneliness, is the underlying thoughts of suicide.  I first considered it in 2010.  Valentine's Day, by no coincidence.  Once again, I had to leave the house to be around people.  And that contributed to me not going through with it.  I will tell you, though, not a day goes by...correction...not a NIGHT goes by that I don't consider it.  I don't do it though.  My practical side speaks up before anything happens.  

"You won't be found for DAYS"

"The cats'll eat you by day three"

"Who's gonna have to fly out to take care of everything?"

"This will just bother other people who don't have time to clean up after you"

...are just a few things that go through my mind.  Completely logical shit.  My aunt died and wasn't found for a week.  I really don't want to be the actual cause of that kind of situation in my life...well, in someone else's life anyway.  I'd be dead.

So, that's where I am in my life.  And those are two main things that have me pursuing therapy.  I feel like this onion needs to be peeled back.  I just hope the layers under the surface aren't rotten.